Dzuka Malawi: God, no sex, sick farmers and starvation -time to reshuffle cabinet

If you lived in North Korea or some tragi-comic countries like Aladeen’s Wadiya, you would think Malawi is sort of a comic story than a serious state. Picture this, a Minister is asked if Government is working to improve the economy, his answer: The Economy is in Gods’ hands. Hand-clappers clap wildly, whistling and women alulate. Goodall Gondwe is in town.

Kaliati: Four children per family

Kaliati: Four children per family

Before the plebeians like you and me adjust properly, another Cabinet Minister does not want to be outdone, he has a solution to hospital food shortages- hey stop pretending sick or treating patients, go out and farm! Marvelous I hear more chants of boma! Boma! Chala mwamba!

The frenzy is getting hot, or as our brothers in Republic of Thengere up north call is in capital letters “HOTARA!” The Lady Gaga of Malawi Politics- Patricia Kaliati has solution to everything, lets limit our child bearing to four- our fertility is suddenly affecting everything.

Love em or hate em, our national cartoons are at their climax. When asked why we don’t irrigate for maize, Agriculture Minister Dr. Allan Chiyembekeza had an  answer “shut up you don’t know what you are asking.” Like seriously, you mean Illovo, Mpamantha, Bwanje and Kasinthula schemes cant grow maize, we can’t think of canals from the lake to irrigate Kasungu, Dowa, Lilongwe, Dedza, Mangochi, Balaka and Lower Shire. Our vision is limited when rainless countries irrigate from water bodies.

And when asked about food shortage, the food Minister had another advice for you: Yes we have food shortage, reduce your consumption! Ahem. In other words already starving, starve more!

So the solutions according to Cabinet Ministers are four; God, Sick people grow food, stop baby manufacturing, no irrigation talk and stop eating! These are people who His Excellency the President Professor Arthur Peter Mutharika appointed to inspire Malawians, lead them to a prosperous nation and more importantly provide solutions.

Four people are murdered in Neno, Home Affairs Minister is nowhere to be seen. Energy companies are screaming and reporting ESCOM games, Energy Minister is quite. People are complaining of corruption at Ministry of Lands, City Councils, Trade licences, fake goods in shops, Malawi Housing, Water Boards, DC’s officies, ESCOM, Road Traffic, Immigration, Airports, Hospitals etc etc, Cabinet Ministers are all quite.

Actually, you even wonder if the President needs 20 of them,  I believe 12 would be a great number. The twelve will cover only Education, Health, Agriculture, Tourism, Home Affairs, Lands, Trade, Youth and Women and Labour.

Attending meetings and policy launches are not inspiring Malawians that we have heads that can provide solutions. Before opening  their mouths, let Ministers think of the majority of the poor. Let them remember the days some of them barely had enough to eat. How on earth can you ask a starving man and woman, already malnourished to reduce food intake. They are already starving not dieting.

Malawi has one of the highest rates of malnourished children, 2.8 million people are facing critical food shortages and the figure is likely to increase and the Honourable Minister thinks the best way to deal with it is to reduce food intake.

No, here are solutions for our lacking cabinet:


Dr. Chiyembekeza should chair a team, despite his reluctance to irrigation. Negotiate with all farmers and cooperatives that do irrigation farming, instead of importing maize do contract farming for like 2 million tonnes of maize with these big farms and farmers clubs, we will harvest 2 million in August and then we can tell people to reduce food intake, you can’t reduce from zero as it is.

In the next budget, set aside some money not for Admarc or NFRA to buy maize, but do contract farming for maize to guarantee prices and profits for our national silos. Stop waiting for rains, for God’s sake, he already gave us enough water!

Meal diversification:

We have plenty of other foods, the Nsima and fodya economy is killing us. We have spoken of food diversification in Malawi for long, Government schools menu should change, include meals like potatoes, cassava flours, rice and bananas. As they leave secondary and colleges, a whole generation will know that nsima with its low nutrition value can be replaced.

For Hospitals, the Ministry of Health should provide their food needs to Admarc or NFRA who should subcontract all food supplies to hospitals. Again balanced and diversified meals should be served in hospitals not msima ndi nyemba. Hospital staff share the meat and other goodies, I know of a DHO who was shocked when after moving to Thyolo hospital he was given 5kgs of meat one Wednesday morning, when he asked where it came from, the stores man said “tikagula ng’ombe timagawa kaye kwa staff.”

It is greed and feeling of entitlement that is killing Malawi. Long time ago nobody would want to work in Public Service, it was hard work and service. Now everyone wants to join to plunder! The worst as I always says are the top officials, they don’t want to forgo their “entitlement” even when things are heading south. This applies even to Members of Parliament, who keep demanding loans which they won’t pay back transferring the burden to the poor plebian.

No Honourable Goodall, we will pray God to thank him for giving us brains to solve our problems. We will work hard on our land and produce. Millions of hectares of land in Malawi are tilled using a hoe, by poor people. People with money should stop waiting for the poor to grow food for them, find a piece of garden and start farming individually. Its strange to see people spend all their time at Chinseu, Kamba, Basiyawo, Bwandilo, Biwi, Paris and Maharaj when they can spend it supervise a one acre to produce own food.

No Honourable Kaliati, we will continue enjoying sex. Of course we will see think of family planning, we will educate the young girls about dangers of early motherhood. But having children should not be the reason we are having our economy go south.

We expect King Julien Jappie Mhango to devise civic education on food diversification, on irrigation, on family planning and not go to hospitals and behave like a cartoon.

Finally we expect political leadership, a President who acts immediately when Ministers indicate publicly they have run out of ideas. We expect Ministers to start earning the money we pay through our taxes and end corruption in their departments and Ministries. If I need a plot I should not pay extra at City Council or Lands or Housing. I don’t need to pay extra to buy maize at Admarc, MWK85, 000 for drivers licence or extra MWK10, 000 for passport or more for me to get trade licence, register a business name, get power or water connected, or be sold substandard and rotten goods when MBS and Ministry of Trade exist or pay bribe at MRA for deliberately over valued goods.

We expect Ministers to inspire us, work, reshuffle and remove all these corrupt systems that have become endemic than telling us to reduce sex, food and increase prayers. The reshuffle needs to start with them!

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36 thoughts on “Dzuka Malawi: God, no sex, sick farmers and starvation -time to reshuffle cabinet”

  1. Ted crampton says:

    Hello from Ngala. I am putting in cheap but good quality boreholes for irrigation and clean drinking water. They are hand drilled with volunteer village labour for each village. Then we educate on interplanting, best irrigation and fertiliser practice, diversification into vegetables and ground nuts, soil improvement, nitrogen fixation etc. Each village contributes labour, sand, bricks and pays back a small interest free loan over ten years. The project is directed by the local chiefs in terms of which village is next to benefit and the village owns and cares for its water supply. Crucially there is a maintenance program. This is already running and has so far repaired five village drinking water boreholes, some of which stopped working over two years ago.
    Irrigation does NOT have to cost the earth. If we put in 100, 000 boreholes, each borehole benefitting 100 people, we would help 10,000,000 people become self sufficient in food and nutrition with more money going into the economy. This will cost approx 400 Billion kwatcha. This is a fraction of the aid that has been received and has gone to waste and worse.
    This project is in its infancy. In one year we hope to have enough data on crop improvement to prove its value and apply for major finance. Watch this space! Even better, find how we do it and start a project in your area. It does not cost a fortune and small donors will help because it benefits communities directly.

  2. Vinjeru says:

    I don’t think we should focus on the issue of population and believe all it is, is a problem: Why not look at population as an asset for once and see how best to positively utilise this asset – Tiriro has some brilliant ideas which may be the only solution to our problems. Malawians complain too much and now population is a problem. Stop being inward looking start living outside your box “Elder Sage iv. What is your solution – Tiriro is giving us a practical solution here. If we cant adopt his thoughts malawi will not transform; we will leave worse Malawi to our children. Shame on us – our parents did well for us. WE CANT SEE THAT – SHAME ON US AND OUR ELDER so! so! so!

  3. Dikisan says:

    Kulemba koma uku. Zomveka bwino. Osakhala nga za King Julien Jappie akwa!akwa!

  4. El;der sage IV says:

    At first, I had respect for this Rudo Tariro author but I have now lost it completely. You mean you do not see the connection between poverty and overpopulation? My God, why have you forsaken us.

    If thinking persons can think so wrongly…….. I do not know of those who have not entered any classroom.

    Population vs economy is not even economics 101, meaning you do not need to study economics at university to grasp that basic tenet.

    Only this once, Patricia Botomani Kaliati is very right!


    “…Republic of Thengere up north…”. Wow!!! Has that come to pass already?
    But then, the author is clearly naive on some important issues; for instance, he seems to think that there is nothing wrong with Malawi’s current population growth rate.
    DFID, USAID, EU, UNICEF &UNFPA have all openly bemoaned the country’s population growth rate; and the author says there is no problem?? Where has he been? Jupiter?? Pluto perhaps?
    Looking at the data, Kaliati’s 4 children-per-couple proposal is quite reasonable, commendable even. In fact, it should have been enforced during Bakili’s days.

  6. Ojere Sandifolo says:

    Sitinati a Malawi because this is what we wanted . Do you know that our next president Tapiwa Muthalika is planning? just to have all Lomwes in position so that they will be only saying TAPULIKA BWANA.

    I tell you this story is the one which has come at the needed time.

  7. Walasa aise says:

    Thus the problem of choosing pigheads as cabinet ministers. The problem of appeasement policy and not merit. King Juliet Yappie Mhango is a headless chicken, Old Googfornothing Gondwe is very old to understand today’s economy and a kweni could best serve us in Kwacha cultural troupe dancing Tchopa or manganje or be a nankungwi not a minister. As for the president we all know he was not supposed to be there if not for the incompetent MEC with the dunderhead chair Mbendera.

  8. Thitherward 'wendo says:

    If anyone wants to find out how to take water from a river and send it up-hill for irrigation purposes, check out ‘hydraulic ram-pumps’ in wikipedia. These pumps use the kinetic energy produced by the water flowing in the river to power its distribution to the farmers’ fields.

    The technology is available world-wide, and these pumps could be easily produced by small business enterprises in Malawi.

  9. Sailota says:

    Good work. Malawi needs pipo like you. Ndikumva kukoma ndi article iyi. How can someone reduce meals when he has not taken any?????? Help me proffessor or sorry Doctor.

  10. Mau says:

    Patricia was right on reducing population growth but unfortunately with most DPP ministers she is only talking no action & policy on the ground. Patricia so who is going to take action? We need to serious start putting laws like what China did (though undemocratically). Malawi is a very small country compared to Zambia (20% of Zambia land area) yet we have more people than Zambia – its a shame! How did Zambia do this ? Half of our population is the unproductive people just milking government resources especially in hospitals and food related hand outs. This is unsustainable country.

  11. saiziyakana says:

    Never ever think DPP is interested in development of Malawi. Do not think that what is happening is by mistake. I feel sorry when you call upon the president to act – which president – the clueless Peter Muntharika – you expect to act on corruption? DPP and Peter Muntharika are embodiment of all the worst things in Malawi – corruption, plunder, nepotism, self enrichment, theft etc.
    Do not ever think that DPP can be removed through the ballot box —- i can challenge you they will use any tactic in the world and win again with 20 per cent lower than the 35 per cent Peter Muntharika currently uses. Just pry for another fall down – natural cause as you would not be able to get them out through civil disobedience. Wake Up indeed

  12. Nduna says:

    Wow!!!! I have enjoyed this story. We really have brainless ministers. Dzeru zilikumala kale

  13. Jayzedkay says:

    Shosholoza, well put. Bingu tried to emulate Kamuzu and had the stamina to shut up his boys and girls in cabinet…but then first his wife died and then he too later died….
    Dzuka Malawi… a fantastic capturing of the laissez-faire that is rampant in our governors. But it is not only laissez-faire, it is also a brazen “I don’t care, I am a minister,” and almost makes them better than the ordinary man. The said comments from the honorables reminds me of the beautiful powerful Queen Marie Antoinette.

    The ordinary man and woman is that same person that braves the heat on election day to put a scratch next to a candidate’s name….it is he or she who in casting the vote to put you in the high office of an elected official. Please don’t forget this.

  14. Phaghlani Vwavwa says:

    The wages of tribalism and quota system in our education and recruitment system is the mediocrity that you see everywhere in this country. There is a price to pay for going nature or justice. good luck to Malawi

  15. shosholoza says:

    Kamuzu laid a very good foundation for Agriculture in Malawi but the leaders who have led this country after Kamuzu have no ideas to put Malawi far. I wonder Malawians have well educated leaders but their out put is like a common man who has never gone to school. Politicians in Malawi are there just to steal from poor people. Malawi will change if theses people can understand the meaning of politics. The meaning of politics is to serve, die for the people not to steal from the people. People leave their good jobs and join politics just to come and steal.

  16. rodneyminika says:

    We better first surrender ourselves to God not to aperson so that HE ,Himself (God) may now know that malawi is not angering God by having time of expressing or passing forward our problems to person no matter how we may see their richness ,only what we have to think of,is that also even them were once poor but now they aren’t poor why? With those question we will have our wayforward.koma osamangolira mkumati bvuto ndi aujewo ayi inunso mungathe kutukura dziko anthu mkudya nawo ,zanu mumadya ndindani ? Muzikhara ngati ine dairy ndimayenera kuganiza kuti ndipange bwanji kut ndipeze zosowa zanga ,mulungu amandithandiza osati kodi lero president/ minister ati bwanji lero kuti ndidye ayi, nanga atakhara kut siku limenero amwalira sindiyekuti zanga ziyima? Tsoka iwo kwa alesiwo zaka zake ndizino kkkkkkk naye mzungu wakuwonelelani malawi akanakhara ndi mafuta akayambisa mkhondo ndiye poti kulibe akut alesinu muzikwatilana amuna nokha nokha wooooo!

  17. 2016 welcome says:

    Good article as a reminder to those entrusted with leadership but doing otherwise. By the way, I know it might be a typo. Quite and quiet are not the same. I have noted in the article in two instances quite has wrongly been used instead of quiet. Just to give some synonyms; Quite = intense, while quiet= silent.

  18. Kaya says:

    Please Mr President take heed. Your ministers are all idiots.

  19. Nyausithobwa says:

    Well articulated comment and I can only agree to that, this DPP regime is fighting a different battle. Nobody in the cabinet has ever impressed me, they back each other even when the reality shows that everything is going wrong. The president doesn’t mind the parliamentary role on issues of national interest but always use what he thinks is executive orders by coping Obama who only did it once. From what I can see this government is just ruling to survive while shielding the disputed Elections, 577 cashgate and so many things. they have failed Malawians in finance, health, education and food security but look at how they divert peoples minds into something not worthy it. Achoke onsewa

  20. TechGuy, Health Worker says:

    Didn’t read the whole article, just stopped on 4 children per family. In fact, the minister is right here…population growth is a major crisis in most African countries now and if left uncontrolled, we have huge probles ahead. 18million people against the same scarce resources (Natural, Health, Education, Agricultural, etc). I would say 2 children per family is ideal in light of our current population boom crisis. Some economists will tell you a large population is good for busuness (buying power, human capital blah blah blah) I don’t buy that crap! A country with the same resources as Malawi but with a population of 4 million people would be well off on the poverty index.

  21. pido says:

    They dont even think. They wait allowance turn like Mwanamveka who in times of funding like travellling abroad using money meant for operations of the Ministry. Kuyenda by Minister its not operation. Ntchito zonse za technical people have been snatched by Ministers, DPP cadets and PSs. What they want is travelling not for work but allowances. You see issue ya Chief technical officer wapita Director, PS and Minister. These other officers are left useless. Who can work where kukakhala kuyenda its for Minister, while writing policy is for principals kukakhala kokayamba milandu Chiefs Zopusa zokhazokha. No wonder these people hate civil service pomwe cashgate ndi yao Mbuzi. Today we say poyera. PS, Minister, Chief Director and Directors are not technical people. They are political zealots who do nothing inoffices but sucking money.

  22. Tambala says:

    Why the president can not fire all these useless ministers? All of them have run out of ideas to rescue this country,can a normal minister tell hospital officials to start farming inorder to feed its patients?

  23. Prince says:

    What a waste of any Donor Aid… I hope the USA/UK leave these Baboons to find
    their own way. Malawi has not seen any progress in 50 years.. The Parliament and
    Government is full of uneducated Animals

  24. Prince says:

    Malawi is a sick country… No amount of medicine can cure her!..

    Anyway they even steal the medicines!

  25. lupwito says:


    Not a serious place… !

  26. lupwito says:

    Kamwa la kaliati ngati nyini ya hule ndachinda dzulodzuloli fokofu. Stupidity of this government and u animolz in power Pathako panu DPP….!!

  27. Prince says:

    No God is real gyz.don’t think kUti there is no God.

  28. Nyt says:

    Gushu how did you exist? How did the universe came? U seem to be stupid with your coments if u dont beleive the existence of the real GOD the creator,dont fool others the son of devil

  29. President Mkango Lion Chivomorezi Chisokonezo Manthakanjenjemereza says:

    DPP is sleeping and mya wake up to rude awakening. We need solution as a country, mediocrity.

  30. Ine ndikuona kuti ndi bwino boma liitanise ma kampani akulu akulu like Illovo, azizangolima chimanga ndikumagulitsa Ku boma, then boma lizigulitsa in subsidised price, ndalama zomwe boma limathera pa fertiliser subsidy azizagulira chimanga okalamba ndi ovutikisisa, zitatere, zintchito zichuluka ndipo ulova uchepa, komaso boma silizamaononga ndalama zambiri.

  31. youna says:

    Monsters indeed.

  32. NZOZO KUNUNKHA says:

    nice one…… take it or leave it.

  33. levelheaded says:

    A government that fails to put structures to its economic backbone.

    We are failing to feed ourselves but we have an agrobased economy? We are opening tobacco markets in march, the tobacco produced by farmers with how’s and relying on seasonal rains?
    What has government done to agriculture over the years?
    We could be failing on other areas like mining and tourism and not agriculture. We are now asking countries whose backbone is not agriculture to help feed us.

    I’ve been backing you Malawi wherever I go but now enough is enough. Ndakhudzidwa nditabwera kuwona kuti people are buying Lusaka maize flower 25kg at a whooping 10pin.

  34. mbuyuni says:

    Malawi is not a dead country but is lead by people with dead minds.

  35. gushu says:

    My fellow Malawian: I will focus on: “gods” , faith healing , homophobia, prayers for rain. Its very obvious these 4 things are very much related. Look at this country, the number of churches per population , the number of prayer per population even in the work place. I bet even some of the Malawian prostitutes pray before sleeping with a client (dear god, please help me not get HIV from this man coz he wants “Plain” and I have charged him more coz I need the money, in Jesus name amen). Despite this country majority being “very very religious” to a point where churches can freely encourage discrimination (i.e homosexuals) we are among the poorest people in the world! Our Mortality rates, HIV, Nutritional status etc are extremely pathetic and YET we ARE NOT ASHAMED to ask for help from countries which are by far less RELIGIOUS, pray less, accept gay marriages (the DEVILS, IF YOU ARE RELIGIOUS). HOW HYPOCRITICAL CAN ONE BE? How can an all knowing, just , moral god allow that behaviour ? May be we need to start asking the right questions, this religions we believe in and subscribe to, ARE THEY REAL? IS GOD REAL OR IMAGINARY? Clearly china, Japan and more countries in europe do seem to have a problem with this question coz they know the obvious answer (HE IS IMAGINARY). HOW CAN SOMETHING (RELIGION) THAT WAS BROUGHT TO US BE REAL , IF THE MASTERS WHO BROUGHT IT DONT BELIEVE IT ANY MORE? It seems rational thought, less belief in the supernatural and divine healing and science is the only way. May be we need to follow in their foot steps, than waste time with imaginary friends. we all out grow santa clause, may be we need to mature…

  36. plebian says:

    they are not ministers they are monsters having a free hand at our coffers. One day God will answer to our cries one day they will be at our mercy

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