Dzuka Malawi: Why we are all foolish millionaires …its personal responsibility that matters

We are a God fearing nation-that is a fact, depending on which side of any debate you are. We have as many churches as many pubs across the country. Five famous places in Malawi are Lunzu and Kamba in Blantyre, Bwandilo and Biwi in Lilongwe and Paris (whether Luwinga or near Mataifa) in Mzuzu. Of course nothing holy happens at these churches oops these famous gathering places.

At Biwi alone, I mean lower Biwi you have not less than 20 pubs lining up side by side. Go there any day, the car park is full and business is thriving. Even  if it is January. Then there are enterprising foreign nationals like Ma China and Mogasa and Riverside in Salima, they know how a beer-loving-God fearing nation we are, they are expanding fast. Mogasa now has three outlets, Game Shopping Mall, Devil Street and the Wakawaka Hotel.

Add Chigwirizano, Devil Street and Machance in Lilongwe. Pa Station, Chez Ntemba and Grand Grill in Blantyre and Mzuzu Hotel and Villa Kagwentha in Mzuzu. Wow, the picture merges how we are a great fun-loving-beer-loving nation. Millions are invested, again oops, spent in these places everyday.

The fun is unlimited, long and short stay rooms are available. At Ma China the room has hit MWK3, 000.00. (Don’t ask me how I know). At Biwi the resthouse behind the pubs is reasonable around MWK2000 compared to the two famous lodges in 47 who have hit MWK5,000-MWK6000. In Blantyre the car park is convenient, in Mzuzu the rooms are cheap from MWK500 to MWK1,000 only.

Hold on, we have a thriving industry. Beer  and sex. We have even braais in Churches and we call them fundraisings every other Sunday afternoon, just an excuse to drink, eat and socialise. But on the sad part of the chain we go home to darkness, no water and most of times even no money for personal development.

My writing is basically on personal development. Dzuka Malawi is not about the mob or crowd. Its about you as a Malawian to wake up and do something about your situation. Its not about politics, we have all been politicians from 1953, we were all card carrying members of the Mighty MCP, we all sang and contributed “gifts” to His Excellency the Life President Ngwazi Dr. H. Kamuzu Banda. Then came Achalume, Kuntunda, Mwini multiparty Dr. Bakili Muluzi, Agama. Of course we went berserk on standards in his gaffament. The Late Professor Bingu wa Mutharika, Chitsulo cha Njanje walked the talk before he too went bonkers and stopped listening. We had an interlude of Chiwongolero, Amai Joyce Banda of Kukhala Mzimayi Sichifukwa and Mpanvuu rhythm and of course cashgate bundled her out and we now have the Professor Aurther Peter Mutharika, or APM….eeeh comment later.

So we have done politics, we are still poor after 52 years the whiteman left us. We are still crying for the whiteman’s pockets in terms of aid. You see, so lets reduce politics and political thinking. By the way its simply foolish for all professionals to think of joining politics to be rich, everyone who went into politics came back poor and those innocent businesses came back cashgated and now some are in jail. If possible in your life, stay away from the curse of politics, focus on what you can do well. That, of course, will be subject for another day.

We go back to the beer industry. Now if I drink at least 10 bottles a night on average, or half Malawi gin at least on average night at my pub. Even if its five packets of Chibuku, plus Kanyenya and what I buy my friends, the minimum cost of drinking is pegged at MWK5,000 per day. In five of the seven days a week that I am likely to drink, as Sunday we go to pray and Monday is normally quite, I spend anything between 20,000 to 25,000 on beer alone. Add the cost of going out those “kanyenya” whether zinziri, nkhumba, full chickens or mang’ina a cool MWK30,000-MWK35,000.00 is spent.

In ten weeks an average beer drinking male spends not less than MWK100,000.00 in those pubs in famous places, if the sisters-of-the-night (I am scared of being lynched by Human Rights groups if I call them prostitutes as the Bible calls them) are included as part of entertainment and nothing evil, they add Savannah or Amarulah shots, wow you do the maths.

Now for someone like me who has been drinking (until a Prophet told me to drink half and give the rest to him) in the 50 weeks of a year, at least MWK500,000.00 to MWK1 million annually is invested  again oops in alcohol and entertainment. Add Busy Signal, Sand Festival, Carlsberg Bash and Morgan Heritage and the CD shows, you do the maths.

Its not only the beer partakers, even smokers. One packet, the cheapest is around MWK300.00. Most of us we share and some out a packet a day. This translates to MWK2,100 a week, MWK8,400 a month and a whooping MWK109,200 annual bill of puffing out kwachas.

If you have been doing this, add the dear wife, MG2 and that school girlfriend buying from dead peoples hair to everything, you surely are spending millions annually on your lifestyle. You are a millionaire in any sense.

Now lest go back to Biwi, on average at Vatican chicken and banana seller sales 10 chickens a day, and double that on weekends. At Bwandilo the meat mints money for the boys there. You know now why you are a foolish millionaire.

In 2016, if you cut off number of days of drinking and drink from home, you could buy with MWK200,000 a full solar electricity set that powers your Fridge, TV and you will never be in the dark, add a 5,000 litre water tank so you don’t swear at Waterboards on Facebook, or buy 10 local chickens and breed them home for eating and selling. Of course there is no substitute for a “quickie” yet with a prostitute save for the threat of HIV and Aids or being “caught” with pictures of a high school girl by mother of the house and seeing your “goods” “church elder position” out on the window.

Dzuka Malawi, while we talk everyday of cutting costs by Government, cutting personal costs can go a long way to help us mitigate the economic quagmire we are facing with no hope of mzungu aid. Next time you see me at Biwi, my favourate place, buy me a beer, lets do the cost cutting at home.

By the way, we are still a porn-sharing-nation ooops I mean God fearing, lets congregate again next week.

• My Malawian of the week: Marie Chikuni or Maries hot sauce, the new all Kambuzi hot chilli. Lets all rush and buy and take it to these drinking and eating places.

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