Stinkers: Malawi’s quick little ‘gaffa-ments’ of all time

“Running gaffa-ment is no simple thing,” so said one of Malawi’s ex-presidents. And if you want to take anyone serious, perhaps you need to cast your trusts beyond our borders.Masinga HA  HA HA

For Malawi is now the biggest and loudest universal joke, I can almost hear the Martians poke funnies into our fabric.

That’s why I list some of the most stupendous things dear ex-Nyasaland is treating us with. Why we seem so imprudent on mother earth’s surface.

Free to one’s choice, imagine:-

1. Atcheya forgetting about his damaged vertebrae discs and jumping on every little assignment called on by APM. The man is so blinded with blue that he has sold his political party and his son wholesale. Effectively reducing the bargaining power of the political opposition block. The once mighty United Democratic Front (UDF) is all but a Ken Ndanga on the noise box.

Some yellow goof over there.

2. Ministers Kondwani Nankhumwa and Dr. Jean Kaliani, the blue eyed ponies on APM’s chess board. When CSOs screamed ‘not fair’ at NAC’s misguided offer of close to K14 million to first lady’s Beam Trust and
citizen number one’s Mulhakho wa Alhomwe cultural grouping, the government spokesman and health protege challenged that constructive criticism.

M’maso muli gwaaa, orchestrated by boot licking ex-civil society vibrant activists Mabvuto Bamusia and misplaced Dr. Collins Magalasi, they stood on the anti-hill and showed no relenting to the voice of reason.

“No matter what you do, Beam and Mulhakho would never repay” the gross misappropriated funding back to the anti-HIV management kitty.

So when they found heaps of letters of complaints at the Global Fund, they started to cry foul. Unpatriotic civil society, they bellowed from their well-fed throats.

Who is patriotic here? Abusing moneys meant for support to the HIV and AIDS cause by wining and dining it at some sanitary fund raising event and cultural nthibulo loaded activity?

And APM, feigning no knowledge, remains quiet and watches the drama roll on? You call that patriotism? By mobilizing some shadowy business characters to repay back the K5 million in cash?

Who were you fooling? Now that GF has changed funding channel to World Vision and Action Aid, let’s see who is patriotic and who is not! That loose-end time at NAC is over.

3. Finance Minister Goodall Gondwe announcing that the Malawi economy has started to rise off its knees from the ground, effectively seeing the reduction of pump prices. Now that is what we should all call
agony.

In today’s global village, when America’s president Baraka Obama sneezes, the entire human race knows. When Russia’s Vladimir Putin breaks some wind on Crimea, the whole world immediately pinches their
noses. There is little space to hide anything these days, social media and high-tech abound. And that’s no rocket science.

So for good ol’ Goodall to start to cheat Malawians on our economy, christening it the best financial status Malawi has ever found itself since independence, we only have one theory proved right. That old
people should perhaps remain advisers and not leaders. Amati akuluakulu ndi mdambo modzimira moto – koma akanganya ali ku State House uku ayi. The top most duo of our land remains clueless and lacks
direction!

4. So the stinker is up our nostrils. The World Bank rating has shattered the rosy picture Goodall and government tried to paint about Malawi’s financial muscle. Just when we were tricked into breathing a
sigh of relief, poof comes the World Bank’s nasty little news – we are the poorest on planet earth.

Malawians aren’t poor? Malawi is the poorest. Zip!

The foolish are those in government that insist we are not the poorest on earth! The writing is all over the wall.

5. Parliamentarian Jessie Kabwila about NACgate. She have had her point across trying to defend the rights of the infected and affected, but her style is another blunder.

We are grown up to know that a slip of the tongue is so different from an entire knit of negatively thrown verbiage. In her regretted statement, dear bald-head Kabwila acted the ignoramus far from the
needs, feelings, and rights of a people. A people living positively with AIDS.

She spoke irresponsibly. Thank God she owned up her goof and apologized, unlike the filthy Bamusi and Magalasi who opted to act the unapologetic front for Ma’am First Lady Getrude Mutharika and Mulhako
bunch who with a clueless NAC leadership started the gravy train derailing.

6. Another bad air source has been Manganya. The self-acclaimed drama messiah of this era. The midget is using church resources to pursue a seeming political agenda.

Since when did ADRA start to interview political personalities about the importance of apologizing or political affiliation? Lately, Manganya Michael Usi has lost the plot, jumping onto issues that far reflect the Tikuferanji agenda he himself sold Malawians in the first place.

We all know the man thinks himself beyond Kamuzu Banda. That he sees himself the most influential and wise person in Malawi. That he thinks himself that ‘Pharisee’ from some Pentecostal corner bestowed upon the
whims of poor Malawians.

Manganya’s Tikuferanji was once a hit. A promise of soap maturity to come. A must household name. Today, all is left are his dwarfed misplaced politicized ideas.

The questions to ponder are: Does ADRA conduct review of this ‘soap’? Are there no other better actors and directors and personalities to breathe life back into Tikuferanji? Or is it a question of “before ADRA and Tikuferanji, there was Michael Usi, and therefore without Michael Usi, there is no ADRA and Manganya and Tikuferanji?”

7. Minibus boys. It is almost impossible to accept that the most of the minibus drivers and conductors do not own those buses. The way they treat passengers and raise bus fares at the bat of their eyelids is so shocking.

Imagine distances worth K50 being charged for K150. And the boys can be rude, shouting kwerani ina yotchipa mayi ino ya mabwana! These touts and slow brains deserve a much effective Minibus Association of
Malawi. One that can regulate bus fares and take action against those that do not comply.

I am not surprised that most of these operators are foul-mouthed too. They live on sachets and think passengers, poor Malawians, are the cow that they should milk even when starving.

Stinkers of this century, minibus drivers who drive under the influence of liquor and chamba and their conductors must be thrown in jail when found to be wrong. Unfortunately, some untethered corrupt
traffic cops will get K1, 000s to let them loose on the roads, causing more mayhem and a threat people’s lives and property!

This is the Malawi that we inherited, not from Kamuzu Banda nor the colonialists before him. But from Atcheya through to our dear old fellow murmuring before some spiritual drinks at Plot Number One,
along with Goodall and Chaponda, et’al!

8. Joyce Banda taking leave of the country, months on end. Yes, the old lass outclassed Bingu (MHSRIP) when it came to fiscal management, and brought back fuel, forex and maize, so the orange party claims. But can you explain how the lady, of course none of most of our business, can manage and still manages to stay abroad all these months?

Sometimes I am tempted to think wild and believe APM and his blue fists have drawn an invincible line barring her from touching down at Kamuzu International Airport (KIA), less she experiences what late Chakufwa Chihana once experienced under the draconian hands of Kamuzu, or indeed Bakili Muluzi once tasted at the call by Bingu wa Mutharika.

Handcuffs. They are easy when they are thrown round wrists of common citizens who may find themselves not toeing the same line of thought as those in the ruling clique. But when it is time for ex-leaders to be tested for the same treatment, their feet glow weak and there only excuse is to either feign poor health Muluzi style or disappear from within Malawi borders JB style.

Am not sure whether JB is really trying to avoid the cooler, or the whites are so much in love with her brains that they want her to spend the rest of her life presenting presentations in their little functions. My take is she needs a rest from her busy schedule, come back and enjoy chambo in Nkhata-Bay, as Lilongwe may seem to be a bit tighter for your style.

All said, as ex-president, ma’am you have all the liberty to be where you choose on planet earth. Nobody should question you. But don’t you think Ken Msonda and your other political friends need you to breathe
some air of redemption in their orange nostrils?

9. Rev. Hon. Mr. Dr. Lazarus Chakwera. For all I care, bwana Chakwex can have the brightest CV amongst most of the presidential hopefuls we had to the 2014 elections race, but am starting to quickly believe the man have no verve, no punch, and no direction.

Vision? Am not so sure. That only his spokes-machinery may elaborate.

When JZU Tembo was leader of opposition, it was easy to see that there stood a government in waiting, or if you like, the alternative government. Ungapake lived and followed events, think, thin, fair,and rough. He, at the most required opportunity, would voice out the voice of the opposition.

He may have goofed with the “Section 65 first, Budget later” tempo during Bingu’s era, but the man stood for his cohorts and fought his wars as necessary.

Fast forward to Chakwera as the new leader of the opposition…. zzzzzzzzz. I cannot hear anything from that man.

As parliament is trying to sell Malawi Savings Bank (MBS), the peoples bank, Chakwera may be snoring somewhere, probably enjoying the hefty package and loans parliament can afford to fatten his accounts with.
Yes, we may argue Kabwila is there to speak on behalf of new broom Chakwex, but hey, we are talking of the opposition block and not the Malawi Congress Party (MCP) here.

The alternate government must always have a position on everything government in sitting is doing. It can be in support or otherwise, but we the people (and this time in majority if the elections results are anything to go by) want to have that voice heard.

If he cannot speak on our behalf, and prefer to force himself on presidential events as a show of patriotism to the powers that be, then we might as well advise the MCP to start looking for a different leader come 2019 elections.

Look, people are not interested in ‘heat of the moment leaders”. We are not interested in leaders that will try to show they are capable of leading only when they want the hot seat. Nope – campaigns should not show us your feigned capabilities, so to speak. We are interested in leaders that can live the time and breathe inspiration in our lives.

We have not heard Chakwex comment on MSB sale. We have not heard his former priest-hood offer alternatives to our falling economy. We have not seen the man call meetings to address the people – unless there is a catastrophe like the Lower Shire flooding. We have not… blah blah blah.

As a matter of fact, the opposition is like dead with a ‘leader of parliament’ that breathes but does not live!

10. Everything Malawian. For now, it is becoming so hard for many Malawians to proudly live their national identify, courtesy of our beloved politicians, who will always remain the biggest stinkers of our time!

Amen.

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36 thoughts on “Stinkers: Malawi’s quick little ‘gaffa-ments’ of all time”

  1. rasta says:

    good article. excellent style. admirable command over queen’s language. please write again

  2. tuvi says:

    well searched article, keep writing

  3. tuvitwana says:

    MANGANYA IS A DULL MEDICAL ASSISTANT. HE ALWAYS WANTS PUBLICITY, AKUONONGERANI ADRA. U MEAN THERE IS NOBODY WHO CAN LEAD ADRA APART FROM HIM? WE NOW STOPPED WATCHING tikuferanji IT HAS LOST ITS INTENDED MEANING
    IT’S NOW A LOMWE CULTURAL THING .

  4. Bakali Maluzi says:

    Kokotowa = Stupitest

  5. James says:

    Tinalakwanji kumangokhalira being led by clueless, greedy buch of politicians. Its frustrating

  6. wankulu says:

    Good article but still you only attacked politicians and civil society. i think ordinary Malawians are also to blame, they think their role in the who picture is just to vote. But there are a lot more things that people can contribute to our mother Malawi. MAN UP MALAWIANS! LET US BE REAL MARTYRS OF OUR CHILDREN!

  7. zex says:

    A satirical way of presenting relevant and pertinent issues looking into the face of Mother Malawi. Stand up fellow citizens.

  8. Reason says:

    The solution to all this is pure love coupled with objective patriotism. Otherwise I see no hope for this country. I won’t blame anyone for leaving this stinking country.

  9. daniel phiri says:

    made some good reading on a martyrs day. Keep on writing

  10. titus Scoti says:

    Good and unbiased article. Wakumva amve!

  11. ujeni says:

    Malawi a failed banana state.

  12. [email protected] says:

    kkkkk super. well said.

  13. MBACHI says:

    SDA WATCH OUT FOR MANGANYA. HE IS SPOILING OUR ADRA. IAM ALSO YOUR CHRISTIAN. MANGANYA IS USING ADRA FOR HIS POLITICAL AMBITION. ONCE AGAIN REMOVE HIM FOR THE BETERMENT OF OUR CHURCH.

  14. Patriot says:

    Number 1 Poorest Country in the World.
    Number 1 embezzelment of Nac money for diner-dances

  15. Prophet Justice says:

    Some truth, a little harsh and not well balanced on some subjects as it has focused more on the negatives

  16. Achimidzimidzi says:

    I agree on Dr. Chakwera, he is too quite. Possibly, he is preoccupied with something. He is not as passionate as he was.

    Wake up mchewa iwe. Nyau eti

  17. mbwaxe says:

    Gud wri te up!!! Indeed this country is full of idiots!!!!!! Motherfuckers everywhere!!! Pa nyo panu amalawi!!!!!!! Mitumbo yanu!!!!! A country where stupidity reigns at all levels starting from the top going down to the villager!!!!! Pliz change ur stinking behaviours!!!! Mbuzi!!! Nyini za manu!!!!!! Ziko lantundu wanji loti the only skill we have ndi kuchindana ndikubeleka basi!!! Zakunyini basi!!! Forsake stupid!!! Zakunkholo basi!!!!

  18. another thought says:

    This is by far the best article I have read on this page this year. You Sir, are a colossus and keep it up. This is what we call a no hold barrel article.

    1. another thought says:

      Meant, you Madam not Sir, apologies for that

  19. George Lihoma. says:

    Huuuh! Am a fan of your Hahahahaha column Patricia. Good work.

  20. Kamwaze says:

    Wow wow wow what an objective article. Keep it up Nyasa times, these are the types of contributors we want, objective, constructively critical, demonstrating clear-headedness. Keep it up Patricia, in an age full of gutter journalism and myopic reporting, biased analysis, blinkered opinions, this indeed is a rare contribution that if heeded, Malawi will indeed be a better place. I salute your wisdom.

  21. The Truthful One from the West says:

    A very good analysis. In Malawi everything is politicised. Ruling parties do not promote non partisan debate on important national issues. MBC is hopelessly partisan. The MBC Tv program hosted by Jane Gogodas on Sunday was pathetically below standard. Mr Kasunda was only asked about Joyce Banda refusing to sign the table mountain declaration. There was no question on the draconian law passed by the DPP govt to muzzle the press which the Joyce Banda govt repealed. The DPP manifesto lacks original innovative policies to transform this country. For the community colleges project is based on a fundamentally flawed reasoning.

  22. i must agree,without these politicians malawi could hv been a better place to live

  23. So the present is linked with the past and the future so goes the saying.RIP John Chilembwe.enough implications.may God bless the blameless, iwish you every success for the future!

  24. onjoya says:

    Nonseseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  25. Ababa Thamangiwa. says:

    zina mwanenapo za M
    mzeru koma zinazi ndiye ayi ndithu.

  26. Phsyatangu says:

    Wamisala anaona nkhondo,Patricia umandiwaza.

  27. makito says:

    Great article Mama Mwasinga.

  28. zilimmalunje says:

    Tamva nawo

  29. Nyonyo says:

    Kodi iwe ukuti chani..eish borinh and too long..mxiiii

  30. GUANTANAMO says:

    Manganya proof reads, edits and corrects his own scripts. Tikuferanji is still around coz Manganya has money. No one watches tikuferanji these days. Its a bore. As for the guy himself I think he shud join front line politics. He shud apply for a position in the DPP, the party he loves. As for ADRA its another NAC for the adventists. How can Adra hav a deputy director for life. Hav never known a person holding that position other than Manganya. What makes me laugh is that he thinks that he is stil in tune. No you are off track brother. The few people who still adore yu do so coz of ur cash. You no longer hav any influence on the people of Mw. Retire from adra and preserve the remaining dignity of SDA

  31. moya says:

    Well summed up malawian politicians are stinkiest and no wonder we are the poorest. The source being that the majority of malawians are illiterate so when they vote they are the majority and we know gabbage in equals gabbage out, so the mps and government we have is a result of this problem its actually a commom Africa problem that’s why we are as poor. Democracy is not serving well for us, we need a few literate decide for the majority illiterate until then itswhen Africa will emerge as aforce on the globe. I have decoded this for the future generation. We are too timid to change this but our children will.

  32. jesus is lord says:

    You are right here everything is hard for everyone one. Minibuses are indeed quite expensive but have you been to the roadtraffic offices lately to ask them why minibus permits went up from 6000 to 12000 or did why the COF has also doubled? How about why the insurance has up from 185k per year to 267k per year? I’m afriad these things have a trickle down effect which causes bus drivers to increase fares and even do the unthinkable and exceed seating capacity. I truly we wish we could all pay nice cheap fares but the truth is everyone is getting ripped off by the system now and that’s just sad so don’t be quick to judge coz some of the things are forced on by circumstances

  33. Kokotowa says:

    Ah! Okay!

    And last but not least the biggest stinker if them all is the writer of this column who thinks her articles are witty and intelligent!

    Your articles are dry, dull and inconsistent. Your love for Joyce Banda is so apparent you can not try to hide it by blaming her for running away and at the same time claim the she had any economic brain at all!

    In summary your articles are full of shit!

    1. Kalulu says:

      Kokotowa, whatever that means, you must be a disgrace ofwhatever family you come from.Aren’t you feeling ashamed of yourself to put up such a negativecomment amongst all the positive comments on this article. Be objective, think twice before commenting in public fora like these. Am not the author of this article but it concerns me to see pple like. Please, next tim, think again.

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