Dzuka Malawi: Lets stop political masturbation over elections

Next week I will be heading to Mkaika, yes, it is the last Saturday of the month, hence the famous Kulamba weekend which starts on a Thursday and ends on a Monday at Katete in Zambia. This is the Chewa’s biggest festival. The Brazilian carnival equivalent on Africa soil.

I was at Hora mountain, escorting one of the Chewa Chiefs last week. I heard Inkosi ya Makosi Mbelwa V talking of Ngoni threes- women, beer and meat. I was only interested in the meat, as apart from Speaker Catherine Gotani Hara, there were few “appetising women” at the event.

I wondered where these Ngoni’s came from, because their cousins in Kwazulu Natal are light in complexion, endowed with hips and hey lips and breasts that can make Mangochi’s Mpondasi look like “kwa George.”

I am not a sexist, but African women are beautiful if they have hips, lips and good chest, any one looking like Casper Semenya is beautiful in the eyes of the creator. That’s reality. I digress. I was wondering if the Jere Ngoni’s have been infected by Tumbuka dark skins and Chitipa small bodies that they no longer reflect the Swaziland, Kwa Zulu or Tswana heritage.

We might be required to declassify them as part of Nguni tribes. They speak, talk, walk and now look like all dark Tumbuka’s and bonafide Chitipa citizen Timothy Mtambo. Yes I am yet to see a light skinned Chitipa citizen- lets meet at Nthalire to argue this one out.

Enough of the North Korea’s dark people, the most important thing, they are Malawians. As Malawians we are one. That’s why as someone from one of the Chewa’s chiefs’ courts in Lilongwe, I invite all of Ngoni’s to come and sample “Kulamba beauties”. This is a mixture of pure Chewa’s and Nyanjas from Zambia, Tanzania, Mozambique and Malawi.

Wena! Hey, come one come all, you will have plenty of women, chewa wriggling chimdidi, chitelela and other sexy buttocks shaking dances and for the women don’t worry, our sexy fit “gule wankulu” with six packs will be available.

 I forgive Lazarus Chakwera for dragging gule wankulu into MCP rallies, I have problem with making them dance songs from South Africa. Our music is sexy and good enough- remember the Kamuzu Banda’s song women singing “mukapanda kuvilatsa, mukazilatsa nokha” during war against Ngoni’s in Kasungu. Yes the battle of Linga that made sure Ngoni’s never came to Kasungu again until today.

So the last Saturday of August we celebrate the Chewa heritage. But Kamuzu Banda’s song reminded me something about Malawi. “Mukapanda kuvilatsa, mukavilatsa nokha”, literal translation would be “if you don’t kill them, you will kill yourself” but knowing our forefathers, the kill yourself was not literal as opposed to killing the enemy. The women were warning the men “if you don’t kill the enemy, we wont have sex.” Or in simpler terms, you will masturbate.

Has anyone noticed the political and economic musterbation everyone in Malawi is indulging in. A small economy people cheering looting and violence and no political leader standing up to end anything because, just like real musterbation- it feels good to be in control.

Have anyone noticed the musterbation feel good between Timothy Mtambo and Gift Trapence that comes with demonstration massage, that Malawi loosing MWK1 billion plus billions we have already lost no longer bothered if they achieve their political goals.

Just like violence, closing Malawi form business is a mark of political instability, political instability kills foreign direct investment, tourism and consequently kills jobs and future development. Even if there is a rerun and Chakwera or Chilima takes over, the effects of such political musterbation will be long to address, just like Cashgate affected donor confidence for the past six years.

Malawians don’t owe any politician or CSO leader anything. Stop self-sexing Malawi and start thinking of 17 million people many struggling to make a living. Again, go and sit kaya ku Chikoko bay for weeks until you all find solution, don’t disturb the economic lives of the already poor. This goes to all of you who think losing even MWK1 million in Malawi money is nothing.

Finally, we have masturbated politically and economically for too long. The demonstrations to me are mere treatment of symptoms of the problem. Short term, you want quick sex, you musterbate if you cant find partner quickly, but if Malawians want to enjoy the real political sexy, Profesor Mutharika, Lazarus Chakwera and Saulosi Chilima, alongside Joyce Banda and Atupele Muluzi, should all stop playing hide and seek, meet and agree on long lasting electoral reforms. They can even agree on another election next year, so we sort out this one once for all. Lekani kuzikwata ndi chala, dzukani a Malawi!

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