Satire: The escape of ‘Mr. Crisis’ in Malawi

The Anti Crisis Bureau (ACB) headquarters is advising the general public in Malawi through you the media that a dangerous criminal Mr. Crisis has escaped lawful custody from undisclosed prison in the Republic of Malawi where he was remanded over the past 2 years awaiting trial.

At the time of his escape, Mr. Crisis is believed to have gotten away along with a number of his family members. Some of the them as per our records and cross checked with Prison and Police authorities include the notorious Forex Crisis who was the master mind of most of the break ins in Malawi past couple of years. Some reputable banks in Malawi have oflate reported some visitations by Mr. Forex at its premises and the Bureau has deployed its officers across the country as well as at Tobacco markets with a view to capture him. Another special unit has been deployed at main gates of donors’ premises.

In addition, Fuel and Electricity Crisis were also some of the criminals that made it away. Within hours of their escape, Fuel Crisis was rounded up with the assistance of communities in Mozambique, Zambia, South Africa and recently those from Mugabeland who finally managed to bring him back packed in empty maize bags. Coincidentally, these were the same bags that the Malawi government was asking the Zimbabwe government to return after they were used on the Munorurama buses to transport maize to Harare.

Though we applaud these above mentioned countries for the kind gesture, the Bureau believes some of the relatives for Fuel Crisis are yet to be rounded up and Malawians are advised to stand vigilant in case their fuel tanks are tampered as they unwind the night away. We therefore advise Malawian motorists to buy extra linya to secure further their fuel tanks.

As for the Electricity Crisis, the nationals in Mozambique and United States of America played a big role towards a partial arrest of this habitual and notorious criminal which of late has worked through his agent Blackout who most times has evaded the toughest security systems at ESCOM.

The Bureau is therefore extending its heartfelt congratulations to the governments of Mozambique  and USA for offering to assist. Mozambique government has set aside a special operation code named “Cabora Bassa Interconnection’ to assist in capturing part of the Electricity Crisis and his siblings.

As for the Americans, the Obama government has indicated to us at the Bureau and through the Malawi government that Mr. Obama personally is assembling a special unit to be led by Millennium Challenge Cooperation (MCC) for such a task. We humbly ask all Malawians to say thank you Mr. Obama and the former 1st Lady, Mrs. Clinton.

Despite the running away of Mr. Crisis and part of his family, some members did not make it beyond the prison perimeters and these include Water Crisis as well as other yet to be documented and verified criminals.

Further to these developments I have outlined above and on a positive note, the Bureau would like to report to all Malawians that within the past days, a successful execution was carried out through a lethal injection on one notorious and habitual criminal – Diplomatic Crisis. The country should therefore not expect any more break ins through persona non grata or deportations and such other incidents as once inflicted on one Zambia Opposition leader and incumbent President of Zambia, Michael Sata. The criminal was also caught around premises of one British Diplomat, Mr. Cochrane Dyte.

Within the past few months, the Bureau also managed to successfully convict Constitutional Crisis whose sentence is yet to be passed later this month following related cases being investigated like Coup plot and MRA scam.

Further to this, the Bureau is also considering whether to handle an upcoming juvenile case of the National Team Crisis as evident in its frequent draws, lately against Goodluck Jonathan’s boys.

We look forward to the successful capture of Mr. Crisis and we seek the services of Mr. Ocampo of the ICC in this matter in case he still has resources that were set aside for the yet to be captured Mr. Al Bashir. Such resources could be switched to assist in capturing and convicting Mr. Crisis of Malawi.

Finally, the Bureau is on the lookout for another alleged criminal who was reported in the outskirts of Parliament on Friday, 8 June 2012 – Section 65 Crisis. The Bureau is yet to make a public announcement as regards how it will deal with this reported.

We will keep the nation informed as regards how we deal with these deterrents of development in Malawi and we will strive to break the core of this racket.

Thank you


Bureau Director

Anti Crisis Bureau Headquarters

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