Chakwera and the politics of rumour mongering…

So Rev. Dr. Lazarous Chakwera is the new top broom in the Malawi Congress Party (MCP)!

Well and good, but what does the rumour mill have for the man in the collar?

Perhaps the best way is to use a conversation between a pro-Chakwera pugilist and a pro-Tembo diehard. Chip ins will come from some of the wide-ears eavesdropping nearby. That sets our scenario today.

Chakwera (L) took over from Tembo
Chakwera (L) took over from Tembo

Pro-Chakwera pugilist (PCP): Finally, old Tembo is on his way to the farm. Did you see how Chakwera single-handedly sent the old man packing and parking in Area 10?

Pro-Tembo diehard (PTD): Who said Honourable Tembo was sent packing from the Natural Resources College (NRC) in Lilongwe. That man majestically walked out of the convention, more proud at having led the Mighty MCP for two terms plus. Serving the people’s party since the days of late Dr. Hastings Kamuzu Banda the true and real and only Ngwazi. That man is no Zenus Ungapake for nothing.

Wide-ears eavesdropping (WEE): Kikikikikikikiki. Timva zambiri lero. Just wait.

PCP: The delegates, dying to have the man of God lead the party that was once ‘married’ to death shouted ayiiiiiii – clearly sending JZU home to retirement and God knows what. Chakwera is a highly educated and experienced man. Have you seen have everyone now wants to join MCP or just vote for Chakwera come the tripartite 2013 elections? You must be joking and old mentored like your JZU.

PTD: Foolish. What experience does Chakwera have? All he knows is his fake American accent. Ask Seodi White and read between the lines. We do not need a reverend for the MCP worse the country. Am sure this is one man who would grab some two rocks and ask Malawians to trust him pray to change them into bread should Malawi experience another round of hunger.

Malawi is not as simple as Jesus feeding the 5000 men in the wilderness. It is about real people and real issues on the ground. And it is not just a Jesus and God affair alone – this also involves Mohammed and Allah.

WEE: And Bhudha, Mphambe, what have you. This is getting interesting.

PCP: Were you commenting into our conversation, wide ears?

WEE: Nope, am just enjoying my gin and tonic and wondering why Chakwera and Tembo did not attend superstar Mafunyeta’s funeral?

PTD: You see? Always messing up in peoples issues. Chakwera must have been busy praying to God to add more luck to his accidental rise to the MCP helm as he has no idea to lead a political party. This is not the church where ‘manna’ from congregants oils the wheels of development in the church. This is about strategies about where to get party aid and so on and so forth. How to place the right regional organiser in one place and the wrong one where they can go get their hard lessons.

This is not about putting trust in the zopereka basket!

WEE: Kikikikikiki…

PCP: You again? Ine ndiye ndikutembeleratu. Ukuyensa ana a china Bushiri eti? Chakwera has been a president of the Assemblies of God in Malawi, at the helm of the Evangelical Association of Malawi (EAM), and numerous other religious bodies in Malawi, Africa, Europe and the Americas. Powerhouse that man of the collaaaaaarrrr!!!!

PTD: Nonsense. That only shows how so egoistic your man is. Are there no other people in the Assemblies ford who could lead the other religious organisations? Is Chakwera the religious master plan that Sunday will shift if he were not president of all those faith bodies?

PCP: And was Tembo any better? He has been Governor of the Reserve Bank (RBM), and minister for several parastatal and serious government arms, and hey, did he not fight Gwanda Chakuamba  for that presidency Chakwera has pushed him away from? That man was and will still remain a dictator. A mafia who wants everything to himself?

WEE: How about Chakwera?

PCP: shut up!

PTD: Let him alone. I will tell you about Chakwera. The way he led all those religious groups shows he is so autocratic and a strong dictator himself. I will not be surprised, God forbid, if he by any magic become Malawi president after 2014 May that he will have all the ministries under him. It will not just be those of defence and agriculture under his armpits. Even of the disabilities except for sports will be under him.

That man cannot even play basketball despite his showy accent. He is even far from scoring a Barak Obama oration. Odya mkachisi awa kuchititsa manyazi.

WEE: Kikikikiki. I thought Tembo would be no better…

PTD: Iwe uswedwaditu tsopano. Sakhwi!

PCP: Sakhwi chani, musiyeni. I thought JZU has been the worst of himself throughout the years. Treating his bully-fortified Area 10 residence in some kind of a ‘state house’. Even party press conferences, top meetings, and massacres being planned there. Do these people have any official offices? We want some offices for our Chakwera to occupy and lead us to a new era.

A new MCP and a new Malawi!

PTD: Hahahahahaha, so Chakwera has no offices? He can use the Assemblies of God headquarters at Sheaffer if that will help. By the way, why is everything under Chakwera in this church? Even Rudo the songbird has been made a Chakwera….I can imagine a future cabinet where you cannot ask questions and ministers go unaccountable because you cannot question a man of God!

PCP: Now you are treading on the wrong toes. That is private business – zakunyumba kwawo, it has nothing to do with Chakwera’s presidency.

WEE: Not if you do not know the Bakili Muluzi, Aleke Banda and Bingu wa Mutharika families. They all have someone who they think can take over national leadership!

PTD: Spot on. For the first time your wide ears are working to some benefit. Chakwera smells of ‘wakwathu’ syndrome. Tembo entertained those from Dowa, Ntcheu, Mchinji, Kasungu, Ntchisi, and Lilongwe. Nationally and truly represented.

PCP: Balderdash, you call the central region districts nationally represented? Rubbish and that other part about the ‘wakwathu’ syndrome is blasphemy! Verse…

WEE: Hey you people, some of us are George Thindwa followers, please don’t give us that verse thing. Can you please stop this conversation and let us drink in peace? I think the best we can do is give Chakwera a chance at the MCP and see if he will not build Assemblies of God churches all over Malawi and put Chakwera’s in their leaderships…

PTD: As if we do not have well educated people like Hon. Lovemore Munlo and that farmer, what is his name again?

WEE: Felix Jumbe?

PTD: Friday Jumbe or Felix Jumbe whatever. MCP has many capable people who can help Chakwera lead it to better heights, only if he can make Tembo the party’s chairperson. MCP is sure to win as Tembo is the best(est) democracy the party has ever had. Did you here his ‘good-bye’ speech? That man is gifted, wise and a source of nationalism in Malawi.

WEE: Source of nationalism, whatever that means!

PCP: Well, give us another round of drinks. Iwe wa Tembo you can have half a beer of bottle now, unayenjeza. And hey, by the way, iwe Patricia unali pompano?

PTD: Hule ameneyu akalembanso zopusa basi. Zothamangira osachita research.

WEE: Be careful gentlemen, we have a woman president and this could get you into hot soup. Do you know about the Gender-NGO grouping? Shhhh…..!!

Of course I was, that is why you are now reading this raw, unedited conversation you put out at the sides of the SADC Heads of State and Government 33rd Summit at the SADC Peoples’ Summit at Crossroads Hotel.

And about research. This gossip, really? Research this crap?

Politicians and their supporters may never learn for all I care!Masinga HA  HA HA


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