Dear shadow wives and Khumbo: Letter from Sapitwa

You see we have one principle, we do not give platforms to confused politicians like one Khumbo Kachali and the Lower Shire fading gladiator Sidik Mia, who are following closely in the footsteps of one time almost President Gwanda Ngulunkazi Chakuamba. Is it the heat in Chikwawa or something in lower shire that confuses politicians, they keep retiring from retirement. Mia coming out of retirement and claiming he is not doing politics but just endorsing, his wife in Nsanje campaigning, whatever you call it, definitely is not retired politician.

But anyway Chakuamba did it for some time, why can Mia not ‘did it’ too…..ask Idi Amin, the Last King of Scotland on the grammar.

Well, then there is Khumbo Hastings Kachali, the fuming Ngoni from Edingeni, who thinks he has to punish Joyce Banda and show her that he is trouble. You see, Khumbo is acting like a spoilt child, who when crying spills the milk or bites the breast he will want to suck later. If you see him, remind him that there was also a guy from the North called Chakufwa Chihana, his skill was dancing between party alliances, until he was found alone, with Vuwa Kaunda as his Chief Whip. By then Aford was gone.


Perhaps, just like the heat in Chikwawa for Mia, something in Chikangawa, should be the cold that really affects the thinking of politicians in the North, like how can Khumbo, do a political Kamikazee only days before elections. He then says he is not DPP, but he endorses DPP. The problem is that come Wednesday, he will for sure not have anybody trusting him, making him the dumbest loser of the election.

For sure, Khumbo can do better and shut up, eat our taxes than insulting us after “kusayenda pakhomo pamathu” you want to speak on behalf of the whole Northern region.  Khumbo should have realised nobody will offer him the Vice Presidency he desperately wants to be this election. He could have played the statesman card, quit politics and become the face of something, like Ngoni festival or heritage foundation.

You see, we already submitted our final letter, where we articulated our aspirations. We are committed after elections, to continue writing every week a reminder of every manifesto or promise given to us poor people. But you see, this election is something else, we took a whistle stop from Chisitu all the way to Balaka, for some reason we are allergic to cities, so we will be at the tally centre on Monday evening, of course, you won’t notice our ti-shati printed words of Sapitwa.

It has been, well fair and free a very entertaining campaign. That’s one thing you cannot blame us Malawians, that we really enjoy the comedy our politicians give us. Imagine Akweni Patricia Kaliati
telling people she is the most democratic person, ask anyone at Nkando. That was when we were passing by and we had to stop for ganda at the market. We looked at our faces, we thought democracy surely had another meaning.

You can imagine, people have been chasing trucks, as Zodiak reported some with Likuni Phala. The desperation is evident, that it might be risky even for tomato sellers to carry “dengu” near polling centres as Joyce Banda might have printed some ballots and turned them into -tomatoes. Surely a whole Senior Counsel joining the Facebook Boko Haram charging that Dedza had trucks torched or Mulanje this, come on  guys, leave comedy to Izeki ndi Jakobo or Chindime ndi Samalani!

Then at our favourite hole at Bangwe. Don’t ask us, there is a big rest house there and people do not like it to be known as to who normally lodges there. Some are respected persons with sons and
daughters at the Catholic University, whom they religiously tell their wives or husbands they are visiting but end up at this distinguished place. You see, one of the bar tenders (gender sensitive she was previously known as bar girl), has been a friend for some time. But on Wednesday-that is Kamuzu Day- we found her superbly dressed and her friend was holding an umbrella while they sat on the veranda. Naturally we were curious, we called out from our tin-on-the-wheels, asking her what had happened, was she sick. She answered “Muzindipatse ulemu ndi nkazi wa shadow.”

Now, this campaign has done everything for us, it has been fun. Remember the Reverend Mbatata during debate, or a clip of an interview with an alleged shadow councillor who murdered, literally assassinated the queens language or the clip of one Daniel Phiri denouncing his alleged brother. It has had all the full colours of a good campaign, but surely we did not expect “shadow wives” or “Shadow kids.”

You see, without mentioning names. One of the most closely fought presidential election was in 2004. Just like this years. For us we do comparisons with that one as a realistic view of what happens when you have four strong opposition candidates. The incumbent wins, don’t shout, we will debate that on Wednesday with our letter titled: I told you so.

This Presidential Candidate, sent his “shadow first lady” to the United States to work on her bum, chest and the chin which was unduly long. The Indian, ooh poor Asian business people, now they are paying into four accounts hoping for the best catch, paid the bill. Then the kwacha equivalent of K6.5million.

Now the problem with elections and promises is the day like Wednesday will be. You see after voting, you only have one hour to eat your nsima around 7, around 8.55 elections results start trickling. And normally, they are a false start.

This mwenye, who is anything but intelligent, camped with the family of the “shadow president” including the “shadow first lady” who was dressed in a US$3000 dress, waiting for the announcement and rush outside for a hug and kiss with her hubby for the cameras.
We happened to be around, when after the whole night, as it happens, around 3am, those coordinating results will have a clear picture of what is going on. (Free hint to candidates). If you see everyone leaving on one pretext like lets rest we will wake up early tomorrow, of my wife needs the car early, or I need to see a doctor, when all along they were hoping you would appoint them adviser or Minister, know that you game is gone. You have lost.

By 3.40am, only the media and Mwenye (who was happily snoring) were left on the sitting room. The “shadow President” who suddenly had come back with, the “shadow first lady” burled out “akuti sizinayende, atibelanso, talk to the lawyers mammawa akatenge injunction.”

We looked at each other, he was number three not even two, how would you seriously take an injunction and protest when you are far away by a huge margin.

You see it was the Mwenye’s reaction which reminded us this story of “shadow business” he screamed “ndiye akazi anu ma hip ndi mabele abwenzetu!” Naturally we were as confused as the “shadow first lady”, he went on ranting how he had lost his opportunity to deal with the
winner believing this one will do it for him.

This girl at Bangwe, surely she is expecting to transform on Tuesday, from her job of “entertaining” the many un-righteous husbands to becoming “Akazi a Olemekezeka.” It was a nice picture of the campaign, seeing her taking an effort to behave and learn how to be “Shadow Honourable Wife.”
No wonder, most of our MP’s dump their real wives and marry these “shadow first ladies or concubines.” Very few politicians in Malawi will be seen in public with their wives. Very few, we can’t even remember with this cabinet or members of parliament.

But the most challenging period of “Shadow First Ladies” or some “Shadow Girlfriends” some dreaming big weddings or vehicles that come with the parliamentary or presidential package, is when elections results are out and you “shadow honourable” loses.

You might decided to form a club for “ex-Shadow first ladies or Honourable” the club will have many new members this coming Wednesday. Don’t ask us if the Mwenye got his “hips and breasts” back.
Elections are not worthy investment for any intelligent fool. There will be 11 funeral like faces plus Khumbo Kachali on May 21, 2014 and 1,000 plus in Parliament and a huge mourning session for Councillors.

Maliro, ngoyika la Chitatu, happy voting! Osalanda ma hip a ini, osazipentelatu ma results asanatuluke.

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