Death Announcement – An elephant of I.Coast killed by Copper Bullets

A giant African Elephant was found dead in the village of Equatorial Guinea in the early hours of Monday, 13 February, 2012. Pathologist Pele who arrived at the scene of death immediately, suggest the Elephant died of excessive bleeding from bruises and eight bullet wounds it sustained. In response, the Elephant shows to have managed seven kicks as per markings that were visible around the death spot.

“From my preliminary findings, it shows the Elephant which had been on the run for sometime, had undergone a fierce fight lasting over 2 hours sustaining eight bullet wounds with hunters from Southern Africa village of Zambia,” Pathologist Pele added.

When quizzed further as regards how they knew it were Zambian villagers that were strongly suspected for making the last and lethal blow, Pathologist Pelela simply showed this reporter a note which had the following inscriptions: “We are the Chipolopolo of Zambia village, we will be back.”

“The bullet cartridges found on the crime scene also had similar markings,” indicated a Policeman 41 year old Diatta who had a whistle still tucked in between his lips.

Ironically, Diatta also happened to have witnessed the fight but was unable to rescue the elephant despite several attempts to do so.

A joint operation mounted later by Police from Equatorial Guinea and neighboring Gabon few hours later proved futile as the hunters had left immediately through four chartered planes they had brought along. The planes as it were later realized had used an old and unused air strip under the cover of night some few hours before the Elephant was noticed to have been brutally killed.

Police sources which were also collaborated by Chief Pathologist Sebb Blatterer indicate the hunters were led by two retired witchdoctors, namely Kenneth Kanda (KK) and Ralph Banda (RB) as well as a serving intern white doctor, Gudy Scot and several other mining villagers from Konkoladi.

“Besides killing our Elephant, the hunters also took away its tasks as well as our prized beer drinking cup we had hidden away,” said an almost crying Chief Guard Droba much to the laughter of the cheering crowd that had gathered around the huge slain African Elephant.

The four planes as per radar readings indicate to be destined for neighboring Malawi village for refueling before proceeding for the Copper belt where their spouses were reportedly awaiting to massage the brave hunters as well as have their much awaited ivory necklaces. This as per online media reports sourced from Donchi Kubeba Times.

It is therefore not know how the situation will be handled following a similar pledge from Lusaka based ladies who have lined up a series of freebies amongst them being free massage session to the victorious hunters.

Meanwhile, authorities in Ivory Coast village, where the Elephant originated from, have indicated they will mount a joint operation aimed at dealing with the culprits as well as their associates. Chiefs from neigbouring villages of Ghana and Nigeria have so far indicated to assist Ivory Coast villagers in this mission but this is yet to be believed as both Chiefs seem to have harbored ambitions of getting the same prized beer cup.

A rescue mission is therefore secretly being assembled following a possible imminent forced retirement of Droba, who was the Elephant’s Chief Guard along with his two assistants of Toure and Gervinho. The operation is planned to be concluded in Zumaland, in 2013 when the Zambian villagers are likely to go on a tour with their prized beer cup for Chief Zuma to appreciate. This according to an inside source who pleaded not to be named for fear of unknown reprisals.

The world is yet to see how this regional force will manage to rescue the prized beer cup which according to a pilot on one of the planes, Kalusa Wala, indicates the cup has been taken to the Chief’s palace and is being guarded by a venomous cobra named Satan.

To beef security for the prized cup, neighboring Malawi village has pledged to assist with providing food for the guards. The deal will be concluded when the two village chiefs meet in July during a regional chief’s conference of which the Malawi chief will graciously host despite not having enough mats for the visiting chiefs and their spouses.

It is not known if the Elephant had any siblings or wife or if it had left behind any valentine wishes to any deserving soul mate.

“We wish the entire villagers of Ivory Coast a quick recovery from this timely death of their so called giant of their village – RIP the Elephant,” concluded the cheering crowd that saw off the Elephant carcass being taken away.

What a lovely night it turned out to be.

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