Introducing Ha ha ha! column: Water, as alcohol, is life!

Several weeks ago the capital city Lilongwe ran out of Special Brew. Oh yes, some were happy and some were shocked. The majority were shocked. But that is not all. The Water Board announced there would be no water for the next two days. And that was the biggest shock for the city’s residents!

Now, water is life. Water drives life. Water cleans life, and most of all, water remains life. Whether this makes any sense or not is not my problem, but we all know we need water for almost everything.

We need water for drinking. Yes, to quench thirst.

We need water for cooking. Yeah, to refuel our empty stomachs.

We need water to wash clothes. Damn right, so we are considered hygienic Tom Boys and Easy Ladies up and down town.

We need water for cleaning – so that your old jalopy is not only flashy when you drive around, but that it presents in itself an ownership that cares and is not ‘filthy’.

We need water for smooching. Oh yeah, can you explain why we have the Jacuzzi when we can as well make use of the cold water shower or indeed the polluted river down Blantyre industrial area?

We need water for sport. If you cannot go canoe racing or dhow or speed-boat cruising do not think only catch-the-monkey is the only sport you know!

We need water for food. Yes, food. Not for cooking food, but as a source of food. Malawi is not only known for being the ‘Warm heart of Africa’. It also tops on the fishy ladder as the only source of fresh water tilapia – Chambo! And we have Domasi in Lake Chirwa – albeit its water level recessions. Then of course, the Shire River so it can fulfil the Democratic Progressive Party’s colour dream to shorten imports highway into landlocked Malawi.

And for the Zomba City water reservoir, climate change is taking its toll and threatening a complete disappearance of Malawi’s second largest water body.

So yeah, we need water for transportation! Once that Shire-Zambezi Waterway Inland Port and what have you sees the day of light, we can all smile and swim our dirty selves to the salty Indian Ocean without much ado.

That way we can also snuffle the Tanzania and Songwe vehicle import channel to much glee and glamour. Oh yes, then we can also bring down Mulli Transport and R. Gaffar haulage services as we thin their veins of transportation dominance.

We also need water for reproduction. Ever wondered why many men would ask for a bottle of water after a ‘run’  with the better half? That smoothens God’s nature. Ensures no casualties in the ‘reproductive’ bedroom spar!

We need water for almost everything.

That is why when the Lilongwe or Central Region Water Board announced there will be two days of total drought on the taps, the best one could do is stop and wonder:- ‘Really?’

The fact is that water shortage and dry taps have fast become a natural thing so much that when water happens to trickle down those pipes – children start to sing and mothers race for the few drops that can be managed.

Women seem to ignore husbands in bed, denying them of their, of course rightful, conjugal rights as they rush for dear life. Remember we said water is life?

And that is the greatest mockery the bosses at the water board and their technicians could muster? Who in the world is the PR machinery at the water board trying to fool for all we care?

And yes, there is the question of ever rising rates for consumption of a commodity that is barely accessed. The bills keep rising and the water flow keeps diminishing. For those who know the law of demand, can you please explain this animally?

That said, yes, water is life. No wonder Carlsberg Malawi cannot, perhaps find any water to satisfy the night and merry life of countless imbibers the country has managed to churn out over the years.

We still have a long way to go as far as satisfying customers and customer service is concerned in Mother Malawi. It will, perhaps, require another death and another president to realise the queues were not just for fuel and what have you.

The queues remain – water kiosks are a battle field for mothers, some suckling little children. The pubs are a distress-field for daddies, some adhering to a medical advice to keep the alcohol flowing in their blood less they die!

Water, and so too, alcohol in moderate and controllable levels, is life!

And who said a woman cannot address people on alcohol matters?

Welcome to my Ha ha ha!

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