Malawi Police wanted list: Dead or alive – Two Tchuwas (or Kuimba IIs) at large

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The Malawi Police Headquarters has confirmed interrogating several people as part of its pursuit of two prime suspects believed to have mobilised kids all over Blantyre to demonstrate as the ‘against the Civil Servants demonstration’.

The Police spokesperson said that contrary to public belief, the kids’ revolution was not spontaneous but rather a result of manipulation by misguided individuals bent and intent on tarnishing the good image of yanyamuka – wokagawa chimanga.

Evidence currently in police hands includes a picture circling two adult males whose age, tribe, belief, sexual orientation, and districts of origin have yet to be identified.

The picture was taken by a curious onlooker as the two allegedly marshalled the kids on what has become to be known as the February 22 kids’ revolution.

Criminals or Mature entry students aka "Tchuwas"
Criminals or Mature entry students aka “Tchuwas”

As part of their investigations, the police have cross-examined several opposition leaders and activists and below are snippets of some the interviews.

Interviewed were Nikolas Dausi of the DPP; Kamuzu Chibambo of PETRA, Mark Katsonga of PPM, James Nyondo of NASAF, Kandi Padambo of UDF, JZU Tembo of MCP, and ……guess who?

Nicholas Dausi:

“We categorically deny allegations, verbal, written, impugned or otherwise, that these two characters belong to the DPP. Further, we take much exception to the added slur implying that each of these two are a manifestation of the two factions that malicious people wishing the DPP ill are saying exist in DPP now – one lead by APM and the other agitating for HCB.

On top of that, had they brandished pangas, we could have had second thoughts, but why should a properly inducted DPP cadet go on rampage without the trademark machete?

Those two, as far as the DPP is concerned, are yanyamuka – wokagawa chimanga Intellectuals. We in the DPP have always advocated blah blah… blah… blah…”

The police immediately released good old Nick and have since removed DPP Cadets on the list of suspects; so convincing was Nick’s outrage. The next in line was Kamuzu Chibambo.

Kamuzu Chibambo:

“All I can say is that unless Paladin explains why the Uranium deal cannot be renegotiated, Greg Walker should prepare to host these kids at Kayelekera one day! And on that he will renegotiate with these kids, and wish he had done it earlier!”

The police have since happily assured KC that should he undertake to ferry the kids to Karonga by trucks, they will happily look the other way at Jenda roadblock and only intervene when Greg has renegotiated the yellow cake – with or without the kids.

James Nyondo:

“If reporters in Malawi, who should know better, don’t take me seriously why should the kids do?”

The police released Nyondo with no further ado.

JZU Tembo:

“I strongly suspect ‘vagabond’ politician Chakwamba to be the one behind this fracas. Firstly, he thrives in confusion. Secondly, he has, since his MCP heydays, been associated with rogue and vagabond, and bears the enviable record of whipping chiefs.

I would advise you Inspector General, that instead of wasting my time, you go and conduct thorough enquiries as to his movements, whereabouts and check his alibis for this week.

By the way his announcement to have joined the MCP was nothing but a diversionary tactic –one of the foundational courses in sabotage  (Module SB101) taught at MYP bases!”

The police have since beefed up security at the veteran vagabond’s residence. Do they say it takes one vagabond to know another?

Kandi Padambo:

“To insinuate that AAM is the unseen hand behind the kids’ demo on the grounds that he is youthful; and that his rallies attract unassailable numbers of youths and on the mere strength of the age old like-father-like-son adage (his father being a reputed grandmaster in the art of pulling strings from BCA Hill), is not only preposterous but ample admission that yanyamuka – wokagawa chimanga is wetting its pants and trembling in fear of the boy.

This is why, in the UDF, we believe that we need change in this country because running a gaffment is serious business.”

Kandi Padambo was released unconditionally.

The last suspect was, naturally, me, Wise One from the East and my modest line of defence was as follows:

“Mr Inspector General, just because those two in the picture appear slightly over-aged amongst the kids, it does not necessarily mean nor should it be construed that that they had no right to be aggrieved by the fact that their teachers had abandoned them in class to join the strike.

For all I know, those two can be valid mature entry students at one of the affected primary schools. Or they could be adult literacy students who benefit from evening lessons at one of the primary schools.

In short bwana IG, I believe that those two are “tchuwas” also known as “Kuimba II” – and like all “tchuwas” world-over, they are not only entitled but obliged to duly partake in any student demonstration. I rest my case”

The police have since released me unconditionally.

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