Satire: I got sloshed on Cashgate – not getting any sober with the arrests!

Well, you may think I was missing, being a lady, perhaps cohorting with the best men of Lilongwe. In particular those that have Cash-gated our national coffers and, surprisingly, failed to spend the load they spirited out of the IFMIS cash animal.

Last time I checked, close to 15 people may have been arrested. Somewhat with many below the ‘big-fish’ belt, and errr…. one or two fitting the description from (dis)Honorable George Chaponda. How do you get to be honorable, when the cash-gate gravvy train also gave you a ride picking on public homes for selves?

That aside, it also has been interesting to learn that, which is typical of the lot of us called Malawians, this cash ‘ghosting’ exercise started way back around 2005, and before that, during the Chejumo Atcheya.

Yes, the very man who coined ‘waya waya’ and brought, for the first time in Malawi’s history, the madness called liberalized market and trade through street vendors that only have graduated to undress women like me and also pick pockets of those unsuspecting.

Cash-gate, a Nyasa Times coinnage am sure, would as well have been called ‘Cash Hour’ after the Hollywood spoof, ‘Rush Hour of those two crowns, Jackie Chan and of course that noisy black man. Whaetver his name.

And that is not ever going to rest our bleeding hearts from the pain of seeing pregnant mothers die in the hordes and little children starve to death. Not to mention poor folk etch their way to the graveyard drinking cheap but high-alcohol levels illicit ‘beers’. Just because a few guys like Ndovie, Lutepo and team and some stupid ladies like the Savala (sisters?) decided they deserve all the cash Mother Malawi has, and not the 16 million plus Malawians that the NSO accounts for.

What pains most, is that these cash gluttons did not even know what to do with the loot they took away from the social needs order. Imagine stashing those greenly Miphwiyo’s in the car boots, house ceilings, car sofas, behind the house pits, etc., as we went from buying fuel from around K560 or so to something like K680 per little. Not that these figures have any semblance with the real prices on the market, but now that we are coughing a hard-earned K718 or thereabout for just one little of petrol and diesel, I start to sweat thinking of strangulating those thieving bastards.

And the arrested are not the only ones.

Take for starters, shot and survived Budget Director, Paul Mphwiyo himself, may be said to have been fighting corruption in this whole ‘sickly movie’, and yet he was spotted in places dishing drinks even to the sober socialists in places downing Jack Daniels and other high priced labels of this earth tagged at around K17,000 to K25,000 just a bottle.

And that man, may he thank God he survived, also ammassed wealth in  a very short period of time. Thanks to his graft fighting. Someone said the man even challenged a friend: “Am sorry if you carry your money in your wallets. My money cannot fit in wallets” as he produced a ‘brick’ of K1,000 banknotes from his car.

And someone has the audacity to claim Mphwiyo was at the brink of unraveling a super Mafioso network of corrupt people in the government financial machinery? What do you think we are ‘ma bebe?’ (with Atcheya’s tone).


That is why the young man must quickly come back and face the law or whatever you may call. As for Lutepo, and his disenchanting stays at State House in Zomba amidst his high profile ‘killer’ case, all I can say is you do not own this country. Your political mother does not own Malawi and your political party is far from owning Malawi.

We, the people, own Malawi and what it offers.

Now look at how donors have folded hands, and legs like Indians on their shop counters, just because you thought to own every coin Malawi had. International Procurements Services (IPS) whatever, my big ar…se.

Yes, Manondo, that stupid smiling deadly Pika. How come some people are so evil they can at smile at the gross massive looting  and attempted murder? I do not know this guy from the Capital City, but Manondo or anything close to that sure now makes me puke.

Its all surprising how such a poor boy would one day stash over K172 million or whatever figure in an account. Where did this come from? Our hard earned taxes and donor generosity? Balderdash, Manondo must also explain, not only on the case of trying to kill their brother ‘thief’ Mphwiyo, but also how he thought he was going to spend all that money knowing his limited financial management skills.

Well, he may want to play games with us, just like Ralph Kasambara and Lutepo. Ralph now wants to drag the President into the game. This trio and their ‘Mother’ up there are really making jokes and breathing fire on our backs of the neck.

I am also pissed at how banks, in particular FMB could remain quiet about Manondo’s looted millions when it was all over the sky that the kid had gone awry in his life. That bank cannot be trusted anymore by any sane investor less customer. This is a bank that keeps financial secrets the destructive way.

I thought the moment they heard their client had looted Malawians of their money they would have walked to any appropriate authorities and say, “Hey, this guy has a safe locker here. We cannot be seen to be ‘conspiring’ with him in this theft. Get it and investigate.” Instead the Indians and whoever runs the bank remained quiet.

And the Reserve Bank of Malawi with its fallacy of tight controls on money. Damn, how could they let all that dosh out without realizing a rat rotten? And for the rest of the other banks, surely you watched someone deposit K200 million today and two days later withdraw K198 million and you raise no eyebrow? The way you trouble me and others with small cheques of even 30,000, I just can’t fathom this!

These are all good candidates for the Cash-Gate hotels (prisons).

And soon we shall react. And late Bingu knows how Malawians can react. Late Kamuzu also tasted a bit of Malawian anger – and we are always ready for that.

Well, I am still feeling drunk over this scandal and I need a remedy to get out of my ‘hangover’. That remedy is if government, the police, the ACB, the FIU, and all of us resolved this matter for once and for all. Now look at those donors closing doors – just because a few people already got that money from us.

People keep dying in hospitals, are you all happy? And why should donors punish us for the sins of a few? Well, the answer may be because as a nation we are not being seen to be serious with stopping this rot.

I just cry my beloved country.

I cry Malawi.

Most of all, I cry this strong hangover I am failing to detox out of. This may be the only time to kill ‘Cash gate’.

Yes, it pains when the crowns in our Parliament keep calling themselves honorables and discuss this important matter in a blame fashion that will never help anyone. Mutharika and Chaponda also have their dirty hands all over the place, and they call on others to clean up.

Even the so-called new firebrand Lazarus (Lazaro) Chakwera wants to show he is doing something by asking JB to apologize for the scandal. Which of course she must do, but perhaps after Chakwera leads by example by apologizing for all the rot that the Malawi Congress Party (MCP) dealt poor and innocent Malawians during its reign.

Nobody can be said to be clean, or is been seen to be offering any solutions in this hegemony. These are all brain-dead politicians trying to pull the plug on us. But God will surely pull theirs before they get hold of that cap.

I can also not go back and rest, and zomvetsa chisoni, as the comedians Kasambara, Manondo, Mphwiyo, Lutepo and their friends keep wasting more of our tax payers sleeping and eating and drinking from our poor hard worked hands.

Wakwiya ndiponsoi akusapota mbavazi ndi mfiti.

Hey cowboy, Deputy Speaker Jones Chingola, lend me those pistols and AK47’s to get rid of all this nonsense.


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