The Beauty and the Beast Trilogy: Mr Speaker out of order

Nyasa Times Commentary: 

The first untitled bout between Honourable Mrs Anita Kalinde,M.P. dubbed the “Vanquishing Beauty” by Nyasa Times, and Honourable Aaron Sangala, M.P. dubbed the “Toothless Beast” by the same Nyasa Times ended in a technical knock out (TKO) for the Vanquishing Beauty.

At the end of that day, in the Boxing Hall of the Malawi Parliament, the records stood as follows: for the Vanquishing Beauty: No draw, No Loss, One win through a round two TKO and for the Toothless Beast One Loss through a TKO in round two, NO draw, No win.

Round one of this bout was, like the round two that followed, a very one sided affair. The Toothless Beast, taking advantage of what is termed parliamentary privilege – which means that a member of parliamentary cannot be taken to court on matters said during a parliamentary session – delivered several below the belt blows on the Vanquishing Beauty – who stood there stunned.

Beaty wallops the Beast: Kalinde shakes up Sangala

Fighting from the blue corner, he went on and on, riping and rapping about her cohabitation with one deceased Marshal the Dukes, alleged to have been a dealer in human body parts. What the referee, one Chimunthu Banda ought to have done is to come in and rule the Toothless Beast out of order. The referee, known in this boxing arena to favour fighters fighting out of the blue corner, failed to do this.

Come round two, the Vanquishing Beauty rose from her Orange corner breathing fire. In a flash, she was all over the unsuspecting Beast pummeling him with a straight jab, followed by a Mike-Tyson-like stinging left hook that left him dazed, before holding him in a wrestling manouver that could have earned her admiration and respect from the likes of Stone Cold Steve Austin or even the dreaded Undertaker.

The thing is, in boxing, fighters are urged to protect themselves at all times. Since the Beast was beyond doubt unable to defend himself or at least return blows, his blue corner had no choice but to throw in the white towel and there ended the first of these thrillas by TKO.

The blue corner, not one to always play by the rules, quickly got re-organized and delivered a contested decision in the second bout, again non-titled, against the Vanquishing Beauty. The new record was: for the Vanquishing Beauty: No draw, One Loss (by decision), One Win through a round two TKO and for the Toothless Beast One Loss through a TKO in round two, No draw, One win (by decision).

The Beauty asked for and got a rematch – this time in the Las Vegas of Malawi – the High Court. The result of the third of this historical series between the Beast and the Beauty has ended in the Beauty’s favour and she is back in parliament and woe unto those who dare talk about Marshal the Dukes carelessly again! (But for now, we hope, the Kalinde vs Sangala Trilogy is over.)

But all this is beside the point and honestly, a few things should have been handled differently especially in the light of the financial woes bought about by the zero deficit budget. For a start, if this idea is Chimunthu Banda’s concept of entertainment or publicity, the Malawi parley could have adopted a business approach.

The parley has a business committee. This committee ought to have, in the least, engaged Don King-like promoters and in all likelihood these historical bouts could have been properly chronicled like the classical Muhammad Ali v Joe Frazier Trilogy: The Fight, the Rumble in the Jungle and the Thrilla in Manila. I for one know many people who would have willingly parted with a fortune to witness this rare spectacle.

Again, if the parliamentarians, grieving from the rejection of salary increase need to fight, there should be some sort of prize for the winner. This will, no doubt, make the bouts even more interesting and should to a certain extent compensate them for the money lost due to the rejection of the revised perks.

Now but seriously, while taking to blows is not exactly the best way of settling disputes in this century let alone in parliament for that matter, the Speaker would have helped matters by being, in the least, impartial in the way he presides over business in the house.

The Minister should have been requested to withdraw the unfortunate Marshal Dukes remarks that, truth be told, had no place in a ministerial Robert Chasowa report.

Mr Speaker Sir, learn to control you blue camp especially the ministers, or else Mrs Anita Kalinde has merely set the trend and more ministers will be whipped, until they shave their afro hair in a Buddha-style like that boxing guy of the eighties (name has skipped my mind) who used to torment the Namadzi Bomber.

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