Behold! Here cometh the new village idiot: Malawi VP Kachali

There are a lot of stories associated with Sir Winston Churchill. The one that best fits this context is said to have occurred when he was addressing a meeting of sorts. A woman, apparently ‘disgusted’ by his form of speech, shouted at him:

“You are drunk!”

To this, Sir Winston, without missing a beat, retorted, “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!”

Now, this exchange reminds me of someone who is fast, and without any help at all, evolving into the village idiot that according to Charles Simango, Malawi has been waiting for to replace you-know-who.

With his behaviour and statements, he is forcing people to rethink President Joyce Banda’s the sense of judgement – the president being the one that elevated him.

I am talking here of this national disgrace wrongly referred to as ‘Right Honourable’ Khumbo Kachale.

Vice President Khumbo Kachali

To his credit, this character was in rare positive news during the festive season, advising the Ngonis of Mzimba to refrain from beer drinking, which is one of their age old traditions.

This sort of advice, in itself, is fine if one overlooks the messenger, which unfortunately in Khumbo Kachale’s case, would a Herculean feat. Before anyone accuses me of shooting the messenger, hear me out first.

Without referring to the Bible and hence risking opening Pandora’s box, there are all sorts of case studies which arrive – independently – at the conclusion that ‘excessive’ beer drinking is bad. It can harm some vital organs and could be harmful to unborn babies in pregnant women.

On top of that, there is a whole range of statistics proving that a combination of ‘excessive’ beer drinking and driving contributes to a good share of fatalities in road accidents. Other studies attribute the break-up of families, job losses and many societal ills to ‘excessive’ beer drinking or alcohol abuse.

Khumbo Kachale was therefore right in cautioning the honourable Ngonis to watch their drinking habits. But the problem is that the bearer of this golden advice, this messenger so to speak, has on more than one occasion put his huge foot in his mouth.

Coming back to Sir Winston’s logic, people that abuse alcohol – after a nap – reclaimtheir senses.  And once they have regained full control of their faculties, they do not go about insulting well-wishers that advise (and remind) the government that excessive presidential travel can overspend the State House budget and potentially nullify any gains made.

But Right Honourable Khumbo Kachale was so rude to the bearers of this wise admonition that he was urged to and he eventually apologised. Fine, let us accept that apology, and start afresh.

No sober ‘ex-drunk’, at least in Malawi’s history, has ever been associated with mattress-grabbing in a bid to win votes. Mattress-grabbing, according to the Leader of Opposition, is outright “stupid” and not befitting of a cabinet minister.

But mattress-grabbing and according to some reports car-snatching too, is what the Right Honourable Khumbo Kachale does for a hobby. Granted, the car-snatching was refuted, but the mattress grabber label is still intact.

And Ladies and Gentlemen, correct me if I am wrong, no drunk has ever been heard issuing podium reminders to Justice Ministers to silence critics; critics whose only crime is reminding the government that in designing policies; consumers – which all of us are – should not be forgotten.

But check recent media reports, the Right Honourable Khumbo Kachale was at it, verbatim:

“Let me remind Justice Minister Ralph Kasambara and Henry Phoya to resume the case of Mr Kapito.  I am just reminding them.”

Now when one looks at his advice to the Ngonis, do I still stand accused of shooting the messenger? The fitting conclusion can only be that this particular messenger is a certifiable suicide bomber, bent and intent on taking President Joyce Banda down with him.

Again, am I wrong to suggest that referring to such a person as “right honourable” is an insult to bona fide Right Honourables, like Justin Malewezi PhD, who in his time and to date oozes “honour”?  I will leave these questions for you to ponder and with your leave; I will move on to address the State President, as per the title of this write-up.

Your Excellence Madam President, please take note of this. With respect to your running mate in 2014, you will do your campaign and yourself a huge favour, if you get rid of this character called Khumbo Kachale.

Madam President, feel free to pick even a drunkard because a drunk, when sober, will be more of an asset than this liability.

And while you are pondering this free advice Madam President, tell Ralph Kasambara S.C. to ignore the Vice President’s ridiculous “reminder” because John Kapito is all we have got; now that ‘Mwakasungula, Sembereka and Associates’ are busy nibbling the scones they were marching for on July 20, 2011.

I rest.

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