Dr Mudzafa Zaeni breakthrough hypothesis – The Chief Mourner

Dr Mudzafa Zaeni, controversial political analyst from the University of Mpatse Abwile claimed recently that in spite of unprecedented looting happening at Capital Hill, there was no crisis in the country. Dr Zaeni insisted that calls for Amai to do more than simply wallow in the praise showered upon her after reciting a Mandela eulogy written by the SADC secretariat were unfounded in a country that was witnessing what in his view was a major breakthrough.

Luckily, Dr Mudzafa Zaeni accepted Gogo Sinsamala’s invitation and came to be interviewed at the Bawo Club on some of his recent statement. He welcomed the opportunity to give his take on recent political events in the country. The fact that it was none other than Laughter Kambala, fresh from his bail appeal, that drove him to the Bawo Club was something of a surprise. Nevertheless, the Bawo Club enjoyed the company of these two interesting characters, who seemed happy enough to sit down and enjoy a gourd or two of Abiti Mwenye’s legendary sour brew.

Reproduced below is the transcript of the interview, conducted on behalf of the Bawo Club as usual by The Chief Mourner.

TCM: Dr Mudzafa Zaeni, recently you said that the exposure of rampant corruption at Capital Hill, where millions were being found in people’s cars  did not amount to a crisis. Do you stand by that opinion?

Dr Zaeni: There is absolutely no crisis. A looting crisis is defined in politics as the worst form of stealing and pillaging of public funds. Now, my studies have shown that although there was looting here, the proportions are not catastrophically sufficient as to be referred to as a crisis. Finding the loot in car boots and bedrooms is not enough. It would be a crisis if the police were finding money in these people’s living rooms, toilets, refrigerators and kitchen pots. What happened here was a breakthrough. As you can see, we now know why Amai’s government has been unable to do any development projects and why her children have been putting on weight.

TCM: But Dr Zaeni, don’t you think it is an indication of a crisis that the donor community issued a statement against corruption in Amai’s government, and even summoned Khambi Kathyali to question him on the looting?
Dr Zaeni: Nonsense. You have been misinformed, Chief Mourner. Donors are spending huge sums of money to maintain Khambi Kathyali’s massive weight. I assure you that they summoned him to voice their concerns on his eating habits. In fact what led to the shooting of his homeboy Chingolopiyo was a disagreement over the need to compete with the eating habits of his boss. Cant you see that since then, Kathyali has gone underground?

TCM: So this is a breakthrough?

Dr Zaeni: Absolutely. These two-cent journalists tarnishing Amai’s name with their baseless headlines appal me. Had it not been for the CashGate, would we have known where Amai got the money she has been using for all her personal projects? Would we have known what her children are doing and why their wealth and fortune have multiplied overnight from owning a small bar to owning big trucks and international companies? You are looking at this the wrong way, Chief Mourner. This is a major breakthrough!

TCM: Now, turning to the arrest of our friend here Laughter Kambala. You know he says he wants Amai to testify at his trial. What are your thoughts?

Dr Zaeni: That too is nonsense- with due respect to my learned Senior Counsel here. In my extensive studies and experience in the political sciences, I can assure you that the legal position is that incumbent leaders can never ever be summoned to court to give testimony to anybody. Presidents are above the law. Though there may be no law giving her immunity, the position she is holding offers her that protection. Remember she is immune from prosecution. That is automatically extended to bar her from standing in a witness dock, or being investigated for her role either in Cashgate, how much she is worth or any declaration of assets, he shooting of Chingolopiyo, or even whether or not she washes her shoulder sashes!

TCM: Considering that the accused is a lawyer and not just a lawyer but one that has long experience as senior lawyer in government and at the bar, don’t you think that you are being somewhat presumptuous with your knowledge? After all many leading lawyers in the country have opined that a leader does not have such immunity under the constitution, and that you, Dr Zaeni are a confusionist who should stck to your political activism instead of making unfounded statements of law. Care to elaborate?

Dr Zaeni: Well, Amai is all-powerful and protected. She has the power to send anyone she wants to testify on her behalf. She could send the first gentleman, Malita Chitsononkho, or one of her children, or even me. By simply standing in that courtroom and announcing that I have been sent to testify on her behalf, the court has no choice but to see me as through I was she in every way! These lawyers do not know that when politics and law clash it all boils down to who has the power. Who cares about the law when you have political power?

Young Sandikonda, seeping on a somewhat diluted version of the sour brew looked disgusted enough by Dr Mudzafa Usana’s answers that he seemed ready to stand up and pay his respects to the doctor with a few honourable punches.

“This is such a crack of rubbish!” Sandikonda exclaimed right into the face of Dr Zaeni. “As we speak many civil servants including those in the Ministry of Information have not received their November salaries and yet their Civil Service minister is sojourning and gallivanting in foreign lands. If this is not irresponsibility and insensitivity of the highest order, what is? It is even more depressing that this kind of callousness or “unfeelingness” is emanating from a woman who is ordinarily expected to be motherly in her attitude where matters of life to her children are concerned. What kind of a President is this? What type of a woman is this? What variety of a mother is this? She is busy enjoying herself outside the country instead of being home to intervene in this and other crisis issues. You must be very stupid, Dr Zaeni!”

Mudzafa Zaeni was lucky that at this very moment, Laughter Kambala stood up, and announcing that he had just received a call from the State House threatening him to stop talking to “Makape” in the hope that he can gain some sympathy for his face had already been sealed. Apparently a police bigwig by the name of Iphani, together with loud mouth Chenji Golo were going to make sure that he either goes down into the cells, or down into the earth. Suddenly fearing for his life, Kambala forgot even about his suits, which had just arrived from Nampula, and left immediately to go and have a conference with Pako Kanundu about their trial.

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