Dr. Lexten Kachama, PhD
Malawi Police Service,
National Police Headquarters,
CC: Professor Arthur Peter Mutharika, State House, Lilongwe.
Re: Job Opportunity
Dear Dr. Lexten Kachama,
Let me pass my congratulations on your being elevated to the highest office in the Malawi Police Service but as our people say: “It is better late, than never.”
Dr IG sir, as the above subject matter suggests, I am looking for a job in your highly esteemed organisation and obviously you will be in need of a new police officers, what with the rise in crime, disorder and road accidents. So let me get right to the point: I’m your man.
My qualifications are as follows:
I am pure evil. I can provide letters of reference from former girlfriends, as well as from my previous landlord, to attest to this fact.
I can keep a secret, especially if it involves Police brutality and immoral conspiring against other Malawians, opposition party members or women. Seriously—no one keeps a secret better than I do! People still don’t know exactly what happened to late Issa Njauju two years down the line despite the police having a few solid leads.
I am a lazy bastard. I love being busy doing nothing and I can spend all day standing on a roadblock, arms akimbo, terrorising motor drivers as they pass through looking for the slightest reason to force them fork out a K5, 000.00 bribe or more. And I will be doing this in full view of m superiors, colleagues and other road users. Who should I fear?
Do you need more?
I am as corrupt as they come. And come to think of it the time has never been ripe for me to join the service. What with the revision of various road traffic fines.
I also want to get rich (quickly). By the way, who doesn’t?
Dr IG sir, I’ve been around for too long, so many traffic police officers to know that the unwritten rule is that for every 10 bribes we receive, we issue two legitimate government receipts just so that record shows that we ‘worked’ that particular day.
As you’ll see on my CV, I am fiction writer. This means I lie for a living for I am always writing porkies. What better valuable experience this is for this job? I’ve written whole books about people who never even existed. Surely I can write convincing stories about the specious blood suckers, the missing gun belonging to that thug who calls himself a cadet, twist the arm of the truth in those state related brutal murders of Robert Chasowa, Kalonga Stambuli and of course Evison Matafale or anything else required to justify police brutality. Piece of cake!
If I am going to write a fake suicide note like the one that was shamelessly and amateurishly written for the late Chasowa, I will do better and I swear I will make it look more professional and more believable as ours is a police that can forge documents. In this area, sir, you need a certified crook like me.
I will craftily pen push a good story on the government of the day and the Police while at the same time scribble a stinker on all those in opposition, so the general public will hate the opposition leaders for being irresponsible and not wishing this country good. I am your man, just give the job and I will do the rest.
Forget about your legacy, you don’t need it, because whatever the case, you will be fired for not doing anything wrong, but as it will please the appointing authority, to have you be moved to the annals of modern history so your name can be added to the long list of those fired before you.
But don’t worry, with your PhD, and I know you know that I and everyone else know that you are the first most educated inspector General of Malawi, I will do the magic as a fiction writer to ensure that your story be told again and again so you can remain relevant to whoever take the reins of power. At least, you will go teach in one of the private universities as a nutty professor.
Dr. IG sir, I know you are a good man but the office you are occupying doesn’t need a nice guy so I suggest you do the honourable thing, leave while the sun is still shining but before then, give me that job as a policeman. I want to use the police guns to commit crimes and not to protect the citizens. It is normal.
I know, you are an upright man and I also know that the lawlessness that is taking place in this country has nothing to do with your belief in justice and it is very unfair that people are now taking your kindness for a weakness.
I am gobsmacked as to how a group of inconsequential idiots calling themselves villagers armed with stones and tree branches raid a police unit or formation and wrestle with armed trained police officers and subsequently overpower them that they run away leaving behind a handcuffed mentally retarded young man who had just bolted from a mental asylum facility and inhumanely killed him by beating, stoning and burning him to death.
And, because, you Bwana IG, you are a nice person, the police officers who failed to protect a citizen, as their job demand them to, against the negligible bandits who had no reason to cause death to this man under the fallacious and fictional blood-sucking façade, are still working as police officers even after they botched their duty of care.
Sir, because you are a nice guy, give a job as a policeman so that I can help you and the Malawi Police Force or is it Malawi Police Service as well as the Malawi government write good fake news for your good image.
Bwana IG, If a policeman (or woman) accidentally kill a member of the public, as was a case in Limbe recently during an MRA operation, I will be always on the double creating a quick response through a detailed fictitious account aimed at making the general public and the international community that the police acted on self-defence and that the person(s) who was shot to death was nothing but a deserving thug who was viciously grappling with the officers to take the rifle from them and that it was acted in public interest and safety.
There will be no criminal liability for the Police if that bull-crap happens again as it always do. Nobody will even say rubbish about the police because I will be the first to do the cleansing and at that point we may even consider firing the many Public relations officers at National headquarters, regions, police stations, substations and police units because they are inoperable and useless for do nothing. We will have to revert all of them back to GD (General Duties) azikamenya ma patrols ndi kuthamangitsa mbava.
Please give me that job, I already know the basics of policing, as I grew up in Kanjedza and the Police Training School in Limbe has always been home to me. I even know John Njoka ( Only you Bwana IG and police officers know who John Njoka is, so relax I am still on a mark-timer) and talking of kupukuta jombo, bwana zimenezo zitayeni, takulanazo. Tajudula majombo a mabwana m’ma pasiauti ambiri kwambiri, olo kusita khakhi-khakhi ndi vanish sinkhani!
‘Aziweya ndi M’mwenye, Bwana IG!
You’ll also see on my CV, that I’ve spent the last 10 years in organisation’s public relations departments, so I am well versed in backroom intrigue, whisper campaigns, character assassination, and internecine warfare, skills I know the Malawi Police Service values highly.
So, what do you say, Mr. I. G (Can I call you Lex?) I’m ready to start as immediately as immediate can be.
There’s important work still to be done, and I don’t think you or the country can afford to turn this over to amateurs.
Again, I know all the criminals, be it petty, white collar or high profiled criminals and I will recommend it to you that because you are a nice guy we employ them all so they can be part of us as they say, if you can’t beat them, join them.
This, Bwana IG, will make it easier for both the criminals and the police for each will be minding the gap. After all we have lots of them in government and needless to mention our men and women in uniform.
At your request, I am ready to meet your boss, our boss, His Excellency the president, Professor Arthur Peter Mutharika, so I can extend the olive branch. Your boss, just like you, needs help and that help is me, the Pen Pusher!
Please, tell the President that he will no longer be forced to lie about anything like he did with the issue of electricity and investments in the last five decades as I will do it for him and the love of his lack of charisma to be economic with the truth.
There are still far too many Malawians relying on government handouts, while upstanding citizens have to pay millions of Kwachas in taxes and worry about being indicted for pursuing an honest living.
I’m waiting for you all-important call.
Thanking you in anticipation for your consideration. Together let us ruin Malawi and whatever remains of it.
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