Satire: Here comes 2013’s greatest sweats!

The year is coming to an end and very quick at that. December is with us now.  Makes me think…

War Mongers

Foolish people will always talk fight, war, etc. Conflict for them seems to be the right word for every occasion.

They will not see reason where mediation and negotiations may be taking place between Malawi and Tanzania over Lake Malawi’s own piece of land/water mass.

They will start to give stupid figures, comparing the ill-trained millions of Taifa soldiers to the appropriately trained and disciplined Malawi Defence Force soldiers. For them, numbers work war and not tactic and strategy.

They are a rotten lot that should not answer to Malawian citizenship, we may argue.

And well, the sweat is that now President Joyce Banda is negotiating (or already did) to get those water guns to patrol Malawi’s water mass they change tune, from ill-equipped MDF to who needs guns when the poor keep suffering, lack medication, etc, and etc.

For me, and for many reasonable Malawians, JB’s move is so very welcome. We need them gunboats to patrol what rightly belong to us. We have no apologies for that. And for those ill-brained who want to say anything and everything negative about JB, hear this – Malawi needs to upgrade its arsenal.

Malawi needs the best of war regalia and toys it can get to equal up with the rest of the world. We also, now to provoke more hater comments, use that uranium in Karonga to work our own atomic systems so that ungrateful neighbors like Kikwete and his Taifas can think twice before claiming what does not belong to them.

That is the SWEAT number one. Do you wait for the enemy to arm up or prop up your defenses, even at home? And JB may be late to do the needful, but the needful need be done and must be done now. Who cares if the Taifas will also get to militarize over our efforts?

Facebook groups

Secondly, there are those Facebook groups or pages that make every Malawian puke with anger. Shit like Malawi Breaking News and blah blah blah, which is full of tribal or regional hate.

That group loves to crack stupid jokes against what they term Tumbukas and Lhomwes.

In Rwanda, where some worthless radio stations and their editors propelled the Hutu and Tutsi divide, they had to realize their stupid mistake only after over thousand people lost their lives in not more than 100 days over tribal hatred.

And should anything of this sort happen in Malawi, for sure we should all know which necks to lynch. Such careless people (and they call themselves administrators) should be stopped in their very tracks right now.

Just like government arrested Justice Mponda over alleged misrepresentation of facts and Sylvester Namiwa of Galaxy Radio over hyping wrong information, administrators at these Facebook pages/groups should be hounded down and sent to prison for a long time.

The social media may be as free as it is, that every stupid Jim and Jack can try and be a ‘reporter’ or ‘journalist’ and indeed an ‘editor’, but a sense of national pride and responsibility should be a cardinal element in what we bring forth to the citizenry or our audience.

Sensationalizing even what seems to be trivial for now may lead to unnecessary internal conflict. Such people are a danger to any society and must be arrested forthwith.

They are irresponsible war mongers that deserve not to live at all. At least not in a peaceful country like Malawi.

Don’t people know it is easy to start a war but very difficult to stop a war?

That is SWEAT number two. We do not need to learn the Rwanda way to start to think truly Malawian and as one nation. These tribes should be phased out in our day to day language. We need to speak love, and not hate.

Can’t we just all be MALAWIANS and be happy about it?

Justice and injustice

Thirdly, now that one bullet survivor Paul Mphwiyo is back home, is it not time we concluded the Cash-gate and Shoot-gate scandals? I am of the view that the engine of justice and all its support elements should quickly interrogate Mphwiyo so that we rest this case.

And what was all that high level security detail for when the equally ‘suspect’ Paul Mphwiyo arrived in the country?

We thought Pika Manondo’s return would bring us closer to the truth and a probably conclusion to this matter, but all we have been fed on is more jokes and nothing much by the accused themselves and the government of the day.

This is total rubbish.

And we also thought that Osward Lutepo’s return and subsequent arrest would also provide a relieving antedate to our Cash-gate migraine, but again we have only been treated to more Izeki and Jacob trivialities than to anything closer to justice.

More rubbish.

And we also thought the arrest of the so-called Godfather of both the Cash-gate and Shoot-gate flick, former minister of justice Ralph Kasambara would bring us closer to winning the justice battle, but alas, we have only ended up being confused more and more.

And to think some of these people had the audacity to seek special medication when millions of Malawians may have already died or will die or be maimed for life due to lack of essential public services at the heist that was at Capital Hill, is all another great joke Malawians surely fail to appreciate and laugh to.

More stupid bullshit.

Can the government treat us to a better something? Can the government for once show us true justice? Can the government stop playing comedy with Malawians and end this story?

This is SWEAT number three, and we are tired. Tired Malawians just killed four (whatever the figure) crooks trying to loot a lady of hard-earned cash. Does the government want us to pass this type of justice on these people or do they really want the wheels of the rule of law take its course?

We can be peace loving Malawians – but Malawians know how to fight for their peace. Do not force us to met out MOB JUSTICE on the suspects in the Cash-gate and Shoot-gate affair. We can be very effective in that area – and government only needs to play more games to send us to act.


Fast loud mouths

Lastly, what was minister of finance thinking when he banned travels for public servants? did he not talk to Mama JB before announcing his ‘verdict’? Look now he comes back with drunken Brown Mpinganjira to tell us JB is not part and parcel of the tax-payers’ money saving measure.

Whatever his name is, this minister must stop using his mouth faster than his brains can match with it. Malawians are not children – and yes, even Malawian children are tired for such tomfoolery.

So Mpinganjira again, what was that you said about the president’s life being in danger? Do you know that such pronunciations add up to saying Malawi is in danger? Don’t you know that means every Malawian life is on the line?

How can you say people are threatening the President? Don’t you know that erodes the trust Malawians have in the security system? If the President can be going around looking over her should in fear of some ‘ugly’ Malawian killers, what would an ordinary Malawian do?

Your statement called for an immediate State of Emergency. Such careless loose mouthing meant our police and the army deployed in every corner of the country, working to neutralize those that threatened JB’s life.

You and your Bophani are equally dead zombies, people who do not know anything close to national security and national pride.

That is this year’s greatest SWEAT of all!

Best wishes

Happy December 2013, beloved readers. Have you done anything worth mentioning this year? Come one, take stock.

Probably this is the best-est SWEAT of the year!

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